JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 26 May 2015

I won’t lie, today has been tough. Not because it’s been a particularly difficult day but because it’s been a pretty average, dare I say, even normal kind of day and these are the ones that I seem to find the hardest.

I’m not feeling particularly high or low, happy or sad, OK maybe a little sad earlier on in the day. I couldn’t really put my finger on why I felt that way. I think it was because I’m struggling to motivate myself to do things for myself and there are things that I feel like I need to be getting on with but just can’t seem to get myself to the point where I can do them and that makes me feel a little sad. Self absorbed I know, but I’m kind of amazed that I’m even listening to myself, so perhaps progress is being made?

Anyway, it hasn’t been a bad day but it hasn’t been a particularly good day either. I’m realising that my addict/depressive doesn’t like these days very much. I’m so used to feeling like utter crap with a hangover or good because I’m drinking or blissfully high because I’m committing to a new way of life that just being in the middle seems a bit, well, dull.

I’m still feeling a bit tired both physically and mentally, but not as much as the last few days. My head just feels a bit sluggish, the same as my body. I seem to be sweating a lot too. I feel like I don’t want to be on Fluoxetine any more but then last week I was certain that they were doing me good. I don’t get it. I’m not drinking. I’m not acting out. Yet my self esteem and motivation seemed to have drained away again since last week.

I’ve not had much of a craving for drink today, but as the afternoon has worn on I’ve started to crave sweet things more and more. I’ve resisted on the most part, eating some fruit and drinking so much water that I seem to pee every hour on the hour, but I have also indulged myself a little. I had a syrup filled latte and an ice cream, which is pretty good considering I wanted to eat a tub of ice cream, cookies, chocolates and crisps.

I haven’t done any meditation today. I have bought my daily reflection books up to bed with me this evening, so that I can read them first thing in the morning, rather than depressing myself by reading the news on my phone. I need to change my routing in the morning and begin with some positive mindfulness to get my head into the right place for the day ahead.

I have achieved a couple of things from my to do list today, which is positive, including taking a walk into town, which was both good exercise and it got me out of the house for a couple of hours.

I’ve also recognised that I’m still not on top form today, so I spent the rest of the afternoon lying in bed watching 80’s TV.

I normally have my therapy session on a Tuesday afternoon too, but this week has been cancelled. I’ve also managed to read a chapter of my book this evening, so it’s not all been mindless TV.

Two weeks ago I felt like utter shite because I was so hungover. Last week I felt pretty good, even if I did spend most of the day doing the same kind of things as I’ve done today.

I guess I’m still a bit confused as to how I can feel more comfortable feeling like shite than I do when I’m just floating around in the middle somewhere. I’m trying not to beat myself up too much today. I need to learn to accept these days and feeling ‘normal’. Both my depression and my addictions are not helped by constant up/down type behaviour.

Consistency is what I’m aiming for and today has been pretty consistent, so I guess I’m winning. It just doesn’t feel like it.

As showering first thing definitely seems to make a difference to how I approach the day, my goals for tomorrow, upon waking, are as follows:

  • Read the days Daily Reflections and Answers in the Hearth
  • Shower and get dressed
  • Eat breakfast
  • Meditate for 15 minutes

If I do those four things within an hour of waking tomorrow then I shall be interested to see how my day pans out and if I am more motivated to do other things throughout the day.

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