JOURNAL ENTRY: Wednesday 27 May 2015

Today has been another one of those days, but with a slight twist.

I didn’t wake and do the things that I had set myself to do last night, primarily because I didn’t get up. I woke up about 09:30 and felt knackered. I was very temped to act out but couldn’t bring myself to get up and get on with my day, so I started to watch TV in bed. After about an hour and a half I found I was almost asleep again, so I turned the TV off and did in fact get another 3 hours of sleep.

I’ve ended up only getting out of bed a couple of times to go to the toilet and a couple of times to get a drink. I didn’t eat the entire day, and I only had a bowl of cereal and a bowl of salad at 23:30.

I really felt the need to fast today. It was like my body needed to completely shut down, including my internal digestive organs.

I’m no stranger to fasting and intermittent fasting, as I’ve been doing 5 – 10 and 10 – 20 day fasting for about the last 8 years and intermittent fasting for about the last 2 years. However, I had lost my way a little towards the end. Towards the end of my intermittent fasting I was saving up my 600 calories for the end of the day and then using them all on alcohol, say a bottle of wine, which on an empty stomach did what I wanted it too in no time at all. Get me pissed. Without any proper nutrition that day I was simply causing my body distress, which I would then pay for the next day and so I would hit the sugar and fatty foods even harder to compensate. This really was the beginning of the path to self destruction. I thought I was doing myself a favour by fasting but I really wasn’t.

More recently I would have days on the sofa after getting smashed the previous day. I would spend the day watching TV and movies, ordering pizza and generally stuffing my face with junk food. I’d more than likely end up drinking again that night and the cycle would continue.

So although today was similar, in that I spent the whole day feeling tired and sleeping, it wasn’t because I was hung over and I didn’t eat junk food. I gave my body the rest it was asking for. I took it easy and fasted.

It has still been a bit of a tough day though. In the morning I was having urges to act out, which I put mainly down to boredom and to wanting to feel better than I was actually feeling. I wasn’t feeling bad I’ve just had another OK day but I struggled to accept how I felt. Also, the more hungry I got towards the end of the day the more I wanted to drink alcohol. Watching people drinking on TV was really tough to overcome the urge to drink myself today. Ironically I was watching a programme where a 10 year sober man fell off the wagon, and that actually reminded me to take it one day at a time.

I was also hoping that my energy levels would have returned today and that I felt like doing something, so I was a bit deflated that all I could manage was to turn the TV on.

I didn’t feel like going to my SAA meeting tonight either. Partly because I was feeling so tired but also because I didn’t feel like being around people. It’s days like this that I struggle to understand if it’s my addict in recovery that wants space or if it’s my depression causing me to isolate myself again. At least keeping a clean head today will help me reflect on today, tomorrow.

However, on the positive side, I have survived today. I’m aware that I’m not going to feel amazing every day and the challenge for me at the moment is to accept myself on days where I don’t feel particularly positive. If I can get through days like these without doing myself additional harm or damage then tomorrow has the potential to be a better day.

Small step forward today, rather than taking a step backwards.

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