JOURNAL ENTRY: Thursday 28 May 2015

Today has actually been quite a positive and insightful day. It didn’t start well, as I felt really groggy when I woke up and it must have taken me about 2 hours to get up after waking at about 09:00.

I did still read the news on my phone and check Facebook even though I knew I shouldn’t. It was a similarly overriding state of mind, a bit like when I drank a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t want to do it but did it anyway. Even this habit of reading the news every morning seems hard to break at the moment.

I did however read both of today’s readings from Answers in the Hearth and Daily Reflections before I got up, which is progress. I’m hoping that by doing something else as well I will slowly overpower my waking phone habits and stop doing it all together. I do find it really hard to control my state of mind at the point of waking at the moment. This is why my goal is to get up and in the shower as soon as possible, so that at least I’m more awake and moving. I don’t think focusing the start of my day on my phone is healthy. There is plenty of time to read the news during the day, should I wish to, but I just feel there is something wrong with lying in bed and giving my phone all of my attention. I can’t explain it, but I know I don’t want to do it because it’s starting my day off in the wrong way.

I then dragged my ass into the shower, got dressed, ate breakfast and then walked into town to collect my prescription because I’d actually run out of Fluoxetine. Luckily they had ordered it in and it was there waiting for me.

When I got back home I decided to write yesterdays journal entry, as I was too tired to do it last night. After writing that I still felt like I had more that I needed to get out, so I also completed the about me page and as well as my understanding of sex addiction page.

Although there isn’t really that much on the page, it must have taken me the best part of the afternoon to get it all down and it’s been quite tiring doing it.

I wasn’t writing that stuff for sympathy or to make out like I have a real bad sob story or because I think I’m totally messed up because I’ve honestly never believed that about myself. I just wanted to share my experiences. As I was writing and re-reading those pages it suddenly struck me just how long I’ve been affected by addition, alcohol and codependency. It also struck me as to the severity of the illness. For someone who has grown up and spent most of their life thinking about sex, but has thought that those thoughts were just normal male behaviour, it was actually really revealing to see my own story written down in front of me. And of course this isn’t the verbose version that I would do as part of my Step 1 for SAA, this is the 1,000 odd word version that’s suitable for sharing on a public blog site.

Getting that stuff out has been really therapeutic today and I’m also feeling the benefits of fasting yesterday. I feel like my digestive system was still recovering today, so I’ve taken it pretty easy on the food and I have also managed to stick to my 2 cups of coffee limit. I’m actually feeling tired right now, which is a bit unusual for me at 22:30 at night, but I’ve actually felt more alert and on the ball today, which has been an improvement.

I’ve had no thoughts about acting out or drinking today and I’ve generally felt much more positive about my state of mind and my physical being. I’ve wanted to look after myself today and have felt good about what I’ve eaten as well as what I’ve wanted to eat. All in all today has been a good day.

I’ve also realised that I’m feeling tense quite a lot of the time and that the tension is making me tired. I think my work situation is partly to blame for this as I have a few things hanging over me at the moment that I just want done and dusted. I’m sure once they are resolved that I will finally be able to relax properly. Who knows, maybe I’ll even treat myself to my first real holiday in over 6 years.

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