JOURNAL ENTRY: Friday 29 May 2015

Part of me wished that life was easy and predictable, like it used to be when I was younger, more naive and more idealistic, but if this shite was easy or predictable then I wouldn’t have a problem would I.

I awoke this morning with the kind of intention that I’ve wanted to have for the last few days. I didn’t read the news on my phone, I read my daily meditations instead. I then got straight into the shower, promptly got dressed and then ate a healthy breakfast. Feeling like my day had started in the manner in which I wanted it to continue I was feeling pretty positive and rather pleased with myself.

Why then did I soon start to feel really tired again and get that groggy, pressurised sort of feeling in my head for the rest of the day.

I have been entertaining visitors for the most part of today and as much as I’ve enjoyed having them, it takes a lot of concentration and energy from me. There were more than a few times where I wanted to sneak off and have a lie down.

After they left I lay down on the sofa to relax and watch a bit of TV. I found that I was feeling restless. I wanted to do more, like I had the energy and the enthusiasm but didn’t know what I wanted to do and even if I did, I still felt too tired to do anything.

After eating dinner I took myself off to my bedroom to watch some 80’s TV. I could muster one episode before I started to get an overwhelming sense of restlessness again.

I wasn’t thinking about acting out and I most certainly had no desire to drink. Even my food cravings weren’t really noticeable and were well under control.

At a loss at what to do to overcome this restless feeling I decided to power up my second phone (a phone capable of running apps that my primary phone fails to deliver). I decided to meditate.

Now at about 21:30 at night I was dubious, as the advice is to meditate at the beginning of the day for the best results, but low and behold, 15 minutes later I was in a much calmer and more serene place. I had completed my daily objectives. OK, it had taken me the best part of the day to get them all done, but I now feel like I’m in the place spiritually and mentally that I hoped to be in.

Coincidently the topic of meditation for today was… restlessness.

I’m not sure at what point I started making my life more difficult than it needs to be, but my lesson for today is a reminder that if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again and also practice makes perfect. Today I didn’t perfect my routine, but I did get it right… eventually.

Using my addictions as my coping mechanisms for such a long period of time has made me forget that life can be as simple or as complicated as I choose to make it.

I have a choice. I always have a choice.

I know what I need to do to achieve peace. Now all I have to do is action it everyday and integrate it into my life until it becomes second nature again.

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