JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 30 May 2015

Great success!!

My day started as intended and it seems to have worked as intended.

  • I woke up and checked my phone for email and messages, but didn’t check the news or social networks
  • I jumped straight into the shower
  • I got dressed
  • I ate a healthy breakfast of porridge, yoghurt and almond flakes
  • I read the daily readings from Answers in the Heart and Daily Reflections
  • I then meditated

This order of events seemed to work nicely, as I wasn’t dawdling or waiting for the day to start, I started my day. I must see if I can repeat this experience again tomorrow. Practice makes perfect.

Not a lot else to report today. I’ve posted another articles called The tendency towards complexity from one of my shares at a recent SAA meeting, but overall I’ve not done a huge amount else. I have felt pretty good today though.

I’ve written a couple of texts and emails to people, I’ve had an enjoyable phone call with someone, I’ve eaten healthily, I’ve only drank 2 cups of real coffee. I guess the only things missing really would be doing some exercise or sport rather than just watching it and leaving the house to be sociable.

One day at a time and all that. Don’t expect miracles overnight.

I have realised today though, that for the first time in a very, very long time, I genuinely want to get better. I actually started to feel like I wanted to be the best possible version of myself today. There’s just one thing, and here’s the catch…

I’m not sure if I actually want to get better for me or because I want to have a sustained period of sobriety behind me so that I can talk about my experiences with some kind of moral authority. 2 weeks of clean time doesn’t really hold as much weight as being clean for 1 year or 5 years or 10 years.

I’m just chucking this out there because the codependent in me doesn’t actually know how to do things for just me and so I may have the right intentions (again) but I’m doing it for the wrong reasons? On this one I’m not sure. Is having a noble cause a good enough reason?

I mean I’m not wanting to get better so that I can throw my recovery in other peoples’ faces, I want to get better to prove that it is possible and so that I can be an example for others. Is that a bad motive for wanting to get better? Is it the right thing for the wrong reason?

Another reason I want to get better is because I would actually like to enjoy my life, rather than being a slave to my addictions. I want freedom of mind, clarity and the ability to experience emotions, both good and bad. I want to connect with people and I want to share my life with others and have other people value me being a part of their lives.

Most of all I want to be able to live the following:

Confidence is not: “They will like me”
Confidence is: “I’ll be fine if they don’t”

I want to know who the real me is and I want to love myself for who I am.

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