JOURNAL ENTRY: Sunday 31 May 2015

I’m on a roll! Two days in a row, I’ve woken up, showered, dressed, eaten, reflected and meditated all within about an hour of waking. I even managed to get up at 08:00 this morning as opposed to the usual 10:30 – 11:45 and even though I’ve been a little tired today, I’ve managed the whole day without sleeping or even lying down and it’s nearly midnight. This appears to be a good sign from the perspective of my depression, so I’m hopeful that I have seen out the latest rough patch without the use of alcohol or the need to act out. This does indeed pleases me greatly and is a sign of positive progress.

I seem to have accepted and am now at peace with the fact that the universe seems to want me to be still for a while. I’ve found it really difficult to let go, as I’m so used to feeling responsible for things and feeling like I need to be moving forwards all the time. It’s actually quite a nice feeling to just accept that I am going to slow day, stay calm, look after myself and recovery to the best of my ability before I choose which direction I need/want to go in next. That will be the responsibility of my future self. Me in the present moment is now just concerned with my own physical, mental and spiritual well-being.

Some synchronistic pointers today have reconfirmed the bleeding obvious for me, so I’m going to write it down so that I don’t forget it in the future:

I’m feeling good at the moment because I have applied healthy, positive thoughts, activities and techniques to my daily routine.

I am caring for myself.

If I continue to do these things then there is a higher than average probability that I will continue to feel good. Throwing the rule book out the window and going back to old habits and ways of thinking will result in the old, predictable, low and depressive moods.

Do not think you are better just because you feel better.

You are feeling better because you are doing positive things. Remember to keep doing them.

I don’t know why I stop doing the things that reinforce my good moods. It could be idleness, but more often than not I will start to feel OK and then I’ll be off again trying to save the world or mend the next bleeding heart. I stop putting my needs first and focus on everyone else and then sooner or later… POW! I’m back in my shitty routine, feeling… yep… shit.

It’s not even selfish because I’m not talking about what I WANT to do, I’m just talking about what I NEED to do to look after me.

I am currently in a motionless state so that I can practice and become familiar with my needs and how I look after them and me.

When I learn to care for myself then I can begin to trust that I can also care for others.

I shall remain mindful and peaceful at all times.

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