JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 06 June 2015

Today was pretty much the same as yesterday only I slept pretty much the entire day.

I woke up at about 10:30, showered, got dressed and ate breakfast. I sat down on the sofa and put my head back. The next thing I know I was dreaming about rolling over and pulling the duvet over me. When I realised I was asleep I got up and got into bed.

I didn’t wake up again until about 14:30 but I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

The only thing I did differently this morning was to take 2.5mg of Olanzapine with my 60mg of Fluoxetine. When I first woke up I still had a lot of noise going on in my head. It felt really busy in there and although I’ve really tried hard not to take any Olanzapine I thought I’d cut myself a break today as I felt I needed a little help to get the quiet back and regain control and clarity over my thoughts.

Olanzapine usually makes me feel a bit sleepy, but this is the lowest dose I’ve ever taken and it usually takes about 6-8 hours to have any effect. I’m struggling to believe that it had me falling asleep on the sofa within about half an hour of taking it.

I eventually got up at about 22:00 and had a bowl of cereal and then a bowl of salad and fish.

I didn’t do my readings or meditation today, I was too out of it. I just felt absolutely shattered again. I’m not sure how well I will sleep tonight, as I have literally been asleep all day. No TV, no reading, nothing…

Is this tiredness part of my brain coping without alcohol or without the dopamine hits from acting out? Is it due to my dramatic reduction in my refined sugar intake? Is it because I’m doing all of the above that my body and my brain are now finally able to start healing themselves from depression?

Is it that I’ve spent so long running from myself that now that I’ve finally stopped running, my body and mind are able to start relaxing and recovering from all the madness I’ve been putting myself though over the last 20 odd years?

Either way, I’m pretty sure no one ever died from a sleep over does.

Also, when I looked in the mirror today I saw a younger me. I actually thought I looked physically younger.

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