JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 09 June 2015

Today has been a good day. I had to move my car first thing this morning, so I was woken a lot earlier than I was hoping for, but this hasn’t phased me.

I ate, showered, read my daily affirmations and meditated before leaving to meet a friend for coffee and remove the last of the furniture from my office. It was really fitting that I met with Dave today because it was him and I that started the business together, so it was really good to see him and to have his help to lift the last pieces down the stairs for the charity people to take away. What was also amazing was that I actually managed to ask someone else for help, without going around the houses or trying to make it sound like they were getting something out of it in return. I tried to remain focused on the fact that he would probably appreciate me asking for help and he would be only too happy to lend a hand. Dave has been a good friend for a long time and today was the most ‘real’ our friendship has ever seen. I was able to see him as a person, as someone that has been in my life for over 10 years and how I really appreciate having in my life. I’ve never really been present enough or aware enough to simply acknowledge those simple facts.

It’s amazing how much of my life I’ve been present yet absent. In fact, that’s the story of my life. Present yet absent.

I wish I had been able to be honest with people over 20 years ago. If I had admitted that I’d made a mistake and that I felt more than just a little ‘off’, that potentially I could have spared myself a heck of a lot of pain and fear. Had I asked for help and received treatment all those years ago I may never have used alcohol as the tool to allow me to forget myself. If it wasn’t for the fact that it was drugs that had messed me up in the first place, I may have ended up turning to harder substances at some point. Thankfully that never happened and I have always used alcohol to escape the nightmare of psychosis, rather than trying to escape just me, if that makes sense? It was the fact that I didn’t know or trust who I was or if anything I was experiencing was real. The idea of the Matrix summed it up pretty well, even though I was in that state of mind about 4 years before the Matrix actually came out.

I’ve felt more energise and more present today. I’ve enjoyed everything I’ve done today and I feel like I’ve experienced everything I’ve done today.

One other important thing to note. When I went to sleep last night, it was the first night where I actually started to go to sleep, I was aware that I was falling asleep (just like normal), but rather than a little voice suddenly go ‘ah ha, you’re falling asleep aren’t you, well I’m not’, there was just me and there was silence. Usually I end up in a mild state of anxiety and paranoia as I start arguing in my head as to who exactly is going to sleep and who exactly has just woken up. Isn’t everything that’s going on inside my head all me?

Today, having finally accepted that I may also have suffered from and may still suffer from some form of mental illness other than depression, possibly mild schizophrenia, I am going to go back to the doctors tomorrow to ask to be referred back to the psychiatrist again.

My blind spot is that I’m a bit rubbish at admitting that there is anything wrong with me and thus I do not ask for help. I’ve hidden and coped with my state of mind for a long time. Now that I’m in recovery and making progress, it only seems right to ensure that I leave no stone unturned.

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