I’ve always had an appreciation of relativity, as in, it doesn’t matter what happens to each of us in our lives, we can only compare our own good and bad experiences with our own experiences. For example, one person may have an appalling life story compared to mine, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that certain things in my life have had a big impact on me and have been significant to me.
That said, I have always played down my own victim card. I’ve never really thought of myself as someone who’s been treated really badly or experienced really bad things, people or events in my life. I’m slowly starting to realise that this is because of who I am. I’ve spent the last 5 years, maybe even 10 years, feeling like a weak and insignificant failure, but blaming myself the whole time for not being strong enough. I’ve beaten myself up about how awful some people’s lives are compared to mine and that I should be eternally grateful for what I have in this world and in this life.
The more time I’m spending in recovery, the stronger I’m getting and the more ‘normal’ I’m starting to feel. As my perception of reality returns back to the ‘normal’ scale I’m becoming increasing aware of just what a fucking horrendous nightmare my life has been for the last 20+ years. All the times I’ve contemplated suicide, I’m now realising that it wasn’t because I was too weak, it’s because I’m so flipping strong.
I’ve been through a living hell and I’m coming out the other side still sane. What’s even more impressive is that even though I’ve been utterly crippled inside, I’ve always approached the world with a smile on my face. This is why nobody realised I was ill or ever had a problem. I even managed to fool myself most of the time.
This post isn’t for anyone else except me today because I’m not looking for sympathy or because I want to play the victim etc. I’m now well enough and aware enough to actually acknowledge just what complete and utter shit I have put myself through. All because I couldn’t be honest and I couldn’t ask for help.
On the one hand I’m feeling rather smug that I’ve survived but on the other I’m feeling like a total idiot for not recognising the signs sooner.
To anyone reading this that feels alone, trapped, isolated, vulnerable, ill or just not how you think you should feel, ask for help. I’m not talking to the slackers and the layabouts who think the world owes them a living, I mean genuine people who care and put others first and don’t have the confidence or self belief to believe that they are worth the trouble of someone else’s time and help.
As long as you are honest then you will get all that you need. The universe has a way of rewarding the brave and punishing the ignorant.