JOURNAL ENTRY: Thursday 25 June 2015

I’m this close to crying.

I want to cry.

I really, really, really want to cry, but I just don’t seem to be able to shed any tears.

This morning started perfectly. I woke up at about 05:45, rested in bed and text some friends from SAA and AA and then finally got up and had breakfast about 08:30.

I met up with Stuart from SAA at about 10:00 and had a coffee and a really good talk. The day was going really well and I felt totally present and at peace. I had been like this since the moment I had woken.

I then had a sleep for about an hour at 13:45. When I woke up I wasn’t quite right.

Since then I’ve felt uneasy within myself. I’ve done my meditation this afternoon to try and resettle me and although it made me feel better, I still feel uneasy within myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel 100x better than I have felt in the past but as the day has worn on, I have felt more and more emotional. I feel like I am really, really sorry, but I don’t know why. I’ve only ever tried to be a nice person but some how I seem to have got really lost at some point and have become someone else. Wait…. almost got a tear out then.

Jeez, my eyes are welling up, I just can’t bloody cry!

I think I feel sorry for myself. I don’t mean in the way that we say ‘I’m feeling sorry for myself’. I mean it in the ‘I forgive myself’ kind of way.

If how I felt yesterday and this morning is simply how ‘normal’ feels then I’m trying really hard to forgive myself for being such an isolated and lonely person for so many years. I’ve ended up hurting myself and damaging myself more than I ever thought possible, but all I was trying to do was protect myself.

I shut the entire world out and cut myself off from everyone. Worst of all I cut myself off from myself. I’ve been wait… I’ve managed to shed a single tear and it feels amazing. I haven’t done that in quite some time, years in fact. I can’t remember the last time I really cried. It was only a single tear, but that’s progress and that’s good enough for me today. MASSIVE SMILE ON MY FACE NOW 😀

As I was saying, I’ve been on this planet for almost 37 years and the last 36 hours has been the first time I’ve actually ever really met myself. It’s the first time I have genuinely felt calm, peaceful and most of all, safe.

Maybe this is why I’m starting to cry right now. Maybe it’s because I don’t have to be afraid any more. I’ve found what has been missing all my life. As Richard put it at last nights SAA meeting, “there was a massive God shaped hole inside me and I tried to fill it will all my addictions and illnesses etc. but all I actually needed to do was look inside myself, find myself and love myself”. God shaped hole. I love it.

From my own experience I can confirm that the bible stories about heaven and hell are true, they are just told incorrectly. Heaven and hell are not literal places that we get sent to in the after life. They are the places that consume us when we lose connection with our conscious self and our spiritual being.

I’ve been in hell for the last 36 years. Hell is living in a constant state of anxiety, fear and isolation. It’s living a constant delusional nightmare that you believe will never end. It’s being disconnected from yourself and from everyone else. It’s not being able to trust anyone else or to even trust yourself.

Hell is to live your life through the eyes of your mind.

Heaven is to be connected to yourself and to know peace of mind. When I am connected to my myself I am connected to the rest of the universe and everything in it (I use the word ‘universe’ as interchangeable with God as you understand God). Essentially when I am connected to myself and to the universe, I know God. I am part of the universe. I am part of God.

Heaven is to live through the eyes of your conscious self.

May peace be with you all and you will know heaven and you will know God as you chose to understand God.

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