JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 04 July 2015

Today has definitely been more of a codependency day today. I went to my second Co-DA meeting this morning and I’m still not sure what to make of it.

I mean I am absolutely in no doubt whatsoever that I an a codependent, but where does the line get drawn?

Because it’s all to do with the motivation behind every thought, every feeling and every action, it’s made me very mindful of myself today.

I’ve been busy again setting up more website today so that I can start to put my thoughts about different topics in the right place. I realised on my way home today that whilst I started writing about my addictions and my recovery from addictions, I also want to talk and share my experience, strength and hope about the other things that I’m learning so much about.

You see I now realise that my addictions were just the coping mechanisms for my underlying problems. If I go all the way back to the beginning, well as far as I can remember at least, then I realise that I was never really at ease with myself. I think I always looked for validation of my reality through others. Why this is I’m not sure yet, I’ve still got a lot of work to do, but when I lost the plot at the age of 16 my brain latched on to the only thing that I could think of to keep me sane. This was to get a girlfriend and some sense of stability in my life. Obvious being at college there was also a lot of drinking and it was the in thing at that age to get absolutely smashed out of your face. The only problem was that I never learnt how to turn that off.

Over the years my psychosis gradually receded but I was still so afraid of going back to that place that I continued to drink. If you live you life in a constant state of fear and anxiety you will, sooner or later, either end up quite mad, or severely depressed. For a while I was mad and for most of the time I was suicidal.

No one ever knew because I just kept smiling 😀

Anyway, I digress. So I’m setting this other sites up because I think it would be a good idea for me to focus on specific issues at a time. There can be quite a lot of cross over from addiction, codependency and depression. By creating 3 separate sites I am hoping that it will increase my focus as I begin to work the programs. There are for programs that I am going to work:

  • Co-DA
  • SAA
  • AA
  • LSA (this doesn’t exist yet, but I’m hoping to try a modified version of the Twelve Steps on myself, to see if it can work to help maintain my recovery from depression.)

In the back of my mind though I’m am questioning if I am really setting these sites up for me, or for you?

I also thought that if I start talking about depression, then that might not necessarily be relevant to someone else suffering from codependency or addiction. By keeping them separate and referencing them when required, should create more beneficial silos of information looking for experience, strength and hope around specific topics.

So my question for myself today is, who am I spending all this time, and a little bit of money, really setting these sites up for? Me or You?

I would like to think it was for me, but I guess only the next few days will tell.

I’ve been really anal and OCD too today. I like things to be neat and in orderly categories. I’ve spent most of my working life designing and working with computer systems and so trying to reclassify and catalogue content that was written rather generally is getting my OCD going.

I’m hoping that I’ve got most of the work done now, so I can refocus on getting the content out of my head and only the internet.

If you fancy checking out what I’ve been up to, the new sites are:

  • Hi, I’m Dan and I’m Depressed – This will be more of a general site that hopefully pulls everything together from
  • Hi, I’m Dan and I’m an Addict – which you may already know and
  • Hi, I’m Dan and I’m Codependent

I don’t think WordPress lets me reblog on more than 1 site, so I will do my best to make sure I manually update any links to relevant content.

Here’s to the program and the Twelve Steps!

Keep coming back, it works if you work it. So work it you’re worth it.

Peace be with you all. x

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