JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 18 July 2015

I’m going to start off tonight on a very sad note, but try and finish with a positive.

I’ve just got back to my dads, after being at the cricket with him all day. Me, my dad and his wife went out for dinner after that and had a very pleasant evening.

Driving home on the way back from the restaurant there was a dying badger in the middle of the road. It had just been hit by another driver. It was bleeding and quivering and I stopped right in front of it.

My instinct was to reverse the car up and drive over it, to put it out of its misery. There was nothing that could be done to save it and I couldn’t stand to see the poor thing suffering. Before I acted my dad said to drive on, so I did.

The conscience of the car on the way back was that driving on was the right thing to do for the passengers, but it wasn’t the right thing for me.

I still have the image of the badger in my minds eye and I feel very sad right now. There are more than enough human, but animals and other life forms always seem to get a raw deal. They suffer at the expense of our ignorance.

I drove the rest of the way home at about 20mph and as we were driving over a bridge, there was a hedgehog straight in front of me. Luckily, because I was going slow enough I was able to steer the car around the little hedgehog and avoid him. I think if I had killed him just after finding a dying badger in the middle of the road, I would have burst into tears right then.

OK, that was the sad bit, now for the positive bit. The hedgehog I took simply as a blessing, what I witnessed this morning was a little miracle.

I got in the shower this morning and there was a little spindly spider in the shower with me. I choose not to move him, as he was there before me and wasn’t harming anyone and didn’t seem to be in harms way.

I look down after a few minutes and realised that he had fallen in the shallow water. He looked like a gonna. I picked him up gently by one of his tiny legs and put him on a shelf outside the shower. I kept checking on him though the glass and when I got out of the shower about 5 minutes later he still hadn’t moved. I thought I had lost him and felt very sad for my little spider friend that I had just met.

Determined that I wasn’t going to lose him, I once again picked him up by one of his little legs and gently blew on him, trying to dry him off. He didn’t move.

I kept blowing. I took a big, deep breath and I focused all of my energy on the air in my lungs and gently breathed out over him. He didn’t move.

I put him back on the shelf so that he was resting on his legs, so that he could breath and kept gently blowing on him. He moved.

It wasn’t much, but he moved! He didn’t move again for another few minutes. I thought his first movement must have been caused by rigor mortis. I was about to leave the shower to go and get dressed, when I had a huge intention not to give up on him. I picked him up gently by one of his legs again and carried him back to my bedroom.

If light is the ultimate source of energy, I thought the best place for him would be on the window sill, in the gentle morning sunshine.

I continued to blow on him gently for a minute or so and then said a prayer for him and thought, I can now do no more. If he is going to live then I must have faith.

I did my daily readings and then meditated for 20 minutes. When I opened my eyes he still hadn’t moved.

I started to get dressed and then remembered that I was going to be in the sun all day, so I got undressed again and started applying sun lotion. As I looked over again at the spider, he started to move.

I just stared at him. He kept moving. He was trying to pull himself upright and get his bearings. After a minute he started to move and he began to climb down the ledge of the window sill onto another ledge. He stopped and clung to the wall for a few minutes. Once he seemed to get his breath back he started to wonder off across the window sill.

I wished him well and continued to get dressed. He wondered off and I didn’t see him again.

I felt an overwhelming sense of joy come over me. Not half an hour earlier I was feeling sad that I had started my day by causing injury to an innocent little creature, and now, by some power greater than myself, I appeared to witness a spider regaining his life force.

I’m sure science could put a perfectly logical explanation down as to what I witnessed this morning, but it made me experience both ends of the emotional spectrum. I was grateful for that and for the fact that my little spider friend had survived.

I think if I hadn’t witnessed the spider this morning, I wouldn’t have been quite so sensitive to the badger this evening.

I felt like I needed to do something for the badger, but ended up doing nothing. I know I wasn’t responsible for the badger. I hadn’t hit him and I had had the awareness to spot him in the distance and come to a full stop. Had I been on my own, I know what I would have done, but that doesn’t make the fact that I just drove away, any easier to deal with.

I am calm and peaceful, but I feel sad and upset. I’m safe and have no intention of acting out whatsoever, but I just wanted to share this story with the world. That way it is out there and not held within me.

My recovery has given me such an amazing appreciation for all of life and a new found respect for the world I live in. I find that I simply love everything and everyone, without reservation and whilst death is a natural part of life, it reminds me that life is very precious and that I should be mindful at all times of my surroundings and those I share it with.

I’ll leave it there. Thanks, it’s good to be here.

5 Replies to “JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 18 July 2015”

    1. Thanks my friend. I’m still contemplating whether to write about my experience about two weeks ago. There was a brief gap in my journal because I don’t think anyone would believe what I experienced and what I now know. I guess when the time is write I shall simply tell the truth and trust that the truth is simply enough.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I love making new spider friends! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done this very same thing while taking a shower. The same is true for all those little creatures, really. I had a bit of an ant problem a few summers ago and ended up taking each one back outside, one by one. I know that didn’t exactly solve the problem, but I felt like it was the right thing to do. Those poor guys were confused, haha.

    I can honestly say that this is one of the most beautiful stories I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading. Thank you so much for sharing, my friend. You’re working your buns off, and it definitely shows. I’m so very proud of you! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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