This may sound a little weird but life has been pretty ‘normal’ these last few days, which in and of itself is great, but I’m not a huge fan of ‘normal’.
As an addict I’ve always considered myself different to everybody else. In recovery I have learned that we are all, in fact, the same. We may have different experiences, and feelings and thoughts, but under the hood, life is life is life.
An old friend, to whom I dedicate today’s post, sent me a poem today that I thought I would share here.
It is called: I am Cheery Alive by Delmore Schwartz
“I am cherry alive,” the little girl sang,
“Each morning I am something new:
I am apple, I am plum, I am just as excited
As the boys who made the Halloween bang:
I am tree, I am cat, I am blossom too:
When I like, if I like, I can be someone new,
Someone very old, a witch in a zoo:
I can be someone else whenever I think who,
And I want to be everything sometimes too,
And I put it in along with everything
To make the grown-ups laugh whenever I sing:
And I sing : It is true; It is untrue;
I know, I know, the true is untrue,
The peach has a pit,
The pit has a peach:
And both may be wrong
When I sing my song,
But I don’t tell the grown-ups, because it is sad,
And I want them to laugh just like I do
Because they grew up
And forgot what they knew
And they are sure
I will forget it some day too.
They are wrong. They are wrong.
When I sang my song, I knew, I knew!
I am red, I am gold,
I am green, I am blue,
I will always be me,
I will always be new!”
Life is in a constant state of flux, but sometimes we struggle to see past the utterly insane complexity that we create and accept the blatantly obvious.
What we perceive as reality is just energy manifesting itself as either an energy wave or stationary energy (aka mass or matter). Energy is neither created nor destroyed, it simply exists and is transferred between the wave and the matter.
A simple experiment to prove my point, water is water when it contains just enough energy to keep it in a liquid state. Add more energy and the water evaporates, remove energy and water freezes. Simple. The energy is transferred, it is neither created nor destroyed.
If the universe is constantly in a state of continuing change, then we, as a part of the universe, must also be in a constant state of change. Sometimes people don’t like change though, and this can create the feeling of fear. Fear isn’t real, it only exists in the mind. Danger on the other hand, is very real, but there’s a difference.
So when I start to feel ‘normal’, it means that I’m entering into a comfort zone and that makes me feel uneasy. I like to grow. I started off small and got bigger, that’s a big enough clue for me that I’m supposed to continue growing. That doesn’t mean I have to get old, it just means that I need to keep learning and expanding my curiosity and awareness.
Today I decided to start my day as a blind person would and why not? I use to fear losing a limb or one or more of my senses, but I now realise that there are people out there living perfectly capable and happy lives on their own, with such conditions.
If they can do it, why can’t I? It is said that people who lose a sense increase their capacity in their other senses. That sounds like a pretty good way of expanding my own capabilities.
So with that in mind, today, for the second time ever, I woke up got in the shower and then closed my eyes and kept them closed until I had finished showering, shaved my head and face, dressed and also meditated. All in all this probably took about 40 minutes, all done with my eyes closed.
Showering was interesting because I had to feel my way around my body as I cleaned myself.
Shaving was actually easier because I wasn’t being confused or distracted by my eyes, I literally had to feel my way around.
Moving from the shower to the bedroom was easy enough, as was getting dressed. The tricky part was trying to turn 1 mobile phone off, turn another mobile phone on, connect my blue tooth headphones and launch my meditation app. As complex as this may sound, with a little patience and simply trusting that you knew what I was doing, I hit all the right buttons at all the right times and was able to complete my goals, whist keeping my eyes closed the whole time.
It has really changed my perception of today, as it has massively increased my awareness of my other senses. I’m actually now planning on extending the time that I keep my eyes closed, to see how far I can get into my day before I actually have to open my eyes.
It’s a very humbling experience and one that make me eternally grateful that I currently have my health, as this is something that I have definitely taken for granted in the past.
I’ve also had an amazing time at my usual SAA meeting this evening too. If you were there then you know what I said and if you were listening you’ll know why I said it.
A big thank you to everyone who has ever walked into a room and participated in a 12 step fellowship meeting anywhere, at any time. It only works if you work it and because people continue to work it, it continues to work.
A special thank you to our chair Richard, this evening. Over the past 4-5 months he has shown me how to trust and how to love both myself and others, something that for the previous 36 years had eluded me.
Find peace and be well my friends. x