JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 26 January 2016

I started blogging about my many years of suffering with mental illness back in May last year. It really helped. At the time I was working a few of the 12 step fellowships; AA, SAA and CoDA. They also really helped.

Then I got better, which was obvious really because that was my intention from the outset.

As we are promised if we work the program, I had a spiritual awakening and it was like nothing that I have ever experienced before. It was literally not of this world, even though I was clearly still on this planet.

Towards the end of last year, I started to feel those old companions of fear, doubt and disbelief creeping back in.

This inevitably came about because certain people had no real idea of what I had been though over the last 20+ years and no real understanding or compassion for what mental illness is.

I found this attitude towards mental health unacceptable then and I still find it unacceptable now.

I once again find myself, at this present time, in one of the darkest places that I have ever been in.

This time last year I could blame my low mood on many different things. I could blame it on my alcoholism, my addiction to pornography, my co-dependent personality, even my decision to quit my business. All of these thing made sense and although everything was certainly not OK, I was taking a lot of medication and doing a lot of personal therapy, so it seemed like I was doing all that I could.

At the moment I have none of those things to blame my suicidal mood on. I am living the cleanest life I have ever lived, since early childhood, but still I struggle.

All I’ve got left is a small amount of faith and the most minuscule amount of hope that all this is, once again, happening for a reason. This time I know what that reason is, but when you’re down in the trenches, in the thick of it, it’s not a huge amount of comfort.

So I find myself drawn once again to my keyboard, both to help myself by unburdening some of the ignorance and stupidity that I have witnessed and to help others.

I do not believe that people are deliberately unkind, it is just something that we get taught, but that does not mean that ignorance is acceptable. The good news is that mental health has become an ever increasingly hot topic in the media, so it is more socially acceptable to talk about it today than it ever has been previously.

This world is a tough place to be right now. There are billions of people fighting for an ever decreasing amount of natural resources and we are soon destined to annihilate most, if not all, life on planet earth, which makes depression and anxiety an ever increasingly common occurrence in modern society.

Just from my own experience, again, of severe depression and anxiety over the last 3-4 weeks, it is something that I have found myself to have no control over and it can literally change my perception of reality within minutes. What’s slightly annoying is that I have all the answers, but sometimes my brain decides to stop listening to me and takes over my body. When that happens it becomes a 2 on 1 fight, but luckily my spirit is a good one, so there is always hope, even when all else feels like it is lost.

I’ve done rather a lot of rearranging content recently, so I’ve been a little reluctant to start blogging on this site again, but I’m glad that I am and that I have got this as an outlet. There is something comforting about putting it out there into the universe.

One thing is for certain, there are good people out there in the world and many of these good people know what it is like to suffer, but they remain good people. Ultimately… this is how the story ends because, ultimately, we are all the same. Sadly it is those who do not yet know this, that act out of fear, hatred and selfish self interest. Ultimately… the truth always points to itself.

May peace and love be with you, always.


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