JOURNAL ENTRY: Wednesday 27 January 2016

I’m ending today feeling low, drained and pointless, which is really irritating, given I had a rather euphoric Yoga class this morning and was feeling energised, relaxed and focused.

It is for this sort of reason that I really do not like depressive illness and anxiety. At the moment my mood is really unstable. I can feel calm, peaceful and energised one moment and then almost in an instant I can lose that feelings and everything collapses and life becomes pointless, to the point of despair or worse.

To recap my day, my alarm went off at 07:00. I slept through it. My second alarm went off at 08:10. I ignored it. I woke in somewhat of a panic at 08:30 and decided to simply get up and get on with the day.

I ate breakfast, porridge with flaxseed, yoghurt and almond flakes, as per normal. Went to Yoga (very gentle Dahn Yoga) in town at 09:45. It was a fantastic class today. We used a wooden pillow on our feet, abdomen, spine and neck. Although it was rather painful in points, it was hugely beneficial and really relaxed my back, spine and shoulders. It also helped opened up my chest and left me feeling like I had really made progress and that I was once again connecting with my physical self.

I got home at about 11:30, ate an apple, then showered. Then ate an omelette on wholemeal toast. I did some blogging on some of my other sites for a couple of hours, then ate again, this time it was left over home made curry and brown rice.

Then I hit a wall.

It’s horrible. I had some simple plans today to do some work on my step one, but by the time it got to about 15:00 I had very little energy left and no real idea of what I was going to do with the rest of my day. I did the only thing that really made sense and that was to get into bed. It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep and I didn’t wake up until about 18:30.

I had a light meal of salad, new potatoes and cottage cheese and then went to Aikido. I got a real sweat on almost instantly and that lasted for about an hour, but towards the last 20-30 minutes I just started to zone out. My energy levels plummeted and I really struggled to focus and keep my concentration. This is when my self-esteem and self -doubt start talking to each other and I start to become even more self-conscious. My mind starts telling me that I am wasting everyone’s time and energy and that I don’t belong here. I was able to fight it off, but what it means is that I end the day questioning my self-worth again, which isn’t great given how hard I’m trying at the moment.

On my way home something struck me. I realised that for almost my entire adult life I have never been able to praise or reward myself. I don’t big myself up, ever. I am constantly self critical and most of the time I am cynical of how others view me. I have coped with this for 20 odd years using coping mechanisms like alcohol, sex, pornography, masturbation and cigarettes. I would even put caffeine and sugar in the mix too. These would be physical mood altering ways of dealing with my inability to self-motivate.

I would also act like an egotistical and domineering ass hole with my partners over the years, in essence, blaming them for my own shortcomings.

The reason I mention self-motivation is because life is, ultimately, pointless. Often we confuse ourselves by believing there is a purpose because we allow ourselves to be controlled by others, but ultimately, life is completely pointless. The point is to work out what the point is and that answer can only ever come from within.

The way to find that answer is, in my humble opinion, to ask the following question:

What is the meaning of acceptance?

I need to remind myself that these are testing and challenging times for me right now. I have started a new spiritual life. I have found the truth and I have begun walking the path. I have seen the infinite and I have witnessed nothing. I am currently balancing on the edge of being pulled back onto the old path by those who do not understand. I must accept their weakness as my weakness and find the courage to walk into and through the darkness.

I understand my purpose, but I must have the courage to carry that flame and allow it to burn brightly from within me so that I can once again illuminate the path.

May peace and love be with you, always.

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