JOURNAL ENTRY: Sunday 31 January 2016

I was up early to attend holy communion at 08:00 this morning and I will admit that I was amazed by the whole experience. The wisdom, the peace, the LOVE, the friendship and the unity was almost overwhelming.

I had incorrectly set an expectation that it would be a stuffy, boring, hymn driven service, but no. It was completely relevant to the troubles we all face in today world. It was delivered with passion and honesty and I was immersed in the experience throughout the entire service. If I’m honest, I actually prefer the 08:00 service to the contemporary 11:00 service, and as the 11:00 service clashes with Yoga, it would appear that I have been blessed with a gift 🙂

I was straight back home after church for porridge breakfast as usual and then back out again for Yoga.

Today’s Yoga class was the best so far. I was feeling full of energy, I was joyful, relaxed and quietly confident that my abilities have improved slightly over the last week. Given how much I did not want to go yesterday, it is once again a clear reminder of how much difference a day can make.

I watched The A-Team movie again last night and I love the line where Hannibal is talking to agent Lynch in prison and he says “Give me a minute, I’m good. Give me an hour, I’m great. Give me six months, I’m unbeatable.” I’m starting to feel like that.

A week ago was possibly the single worst day of my life, because I was completely sober, yet felt that life was about as pointless as it could possibly get. I felt defeated because my moral code felt like it had been crushed. I simply felt like the only way to fight was to play by their rules, which is a choice I simply could not accept. Ignorance and denial is the opposite of truth and honesty. I felt like I was out of options, out of LOVE, out of H.O.P.E. with almost no faith that things could or would get better.

// As a brief recap, I basically admitted defeat to depression, again, back in September 2014. It took me between 6-9 months to get myself back to a happy place. My happy place lasted for about 5 months. I started to feel like something wasn’t quite right again toward the very end of last year/beginning of this year. This time I’ve been low for about 3-4 weeks, which is a very short time. The difference this time thought, is I’m doing it all on my own. I have help and support from people, of course, but this time there is no medication. I’ve seen the doctor 3 times and my therapist once. This time I’m winning and it’s because I’m doing it my way. This time I know how to fix myself. //

I love the The Dark Knight film trilogy because there are so many words of wisdom in them. For example: “And why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.” If you see failure as failure then you have failed. If you see failure as another opportunity to learn from your mistakes and to get back up and try again, then you are winning.

But only an idiot would do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

I also find it ironic that Liam Neeson (Hannibal in The A-Team) also said, as Henri Ducard in Batman Begins “What you really fear is inside yourself. You fear your own power. You fear your anger, the drive to do great or terrible things.” I’m starting to feel like that too.

Last year was about sorting my mind out and I nailed that one, big time.

This year I am going to strengthen my mind to make it even stronger and I’m going to do it by strengthening my body.

I know my spirit/soul is unbreakable, so this year my intention is to bring balance to the three area of that constitute my reality:

  • My body
  • My mind
  • My soul

Both my mind and my body knows the true purpose why my spirit is here on earth at this time. I can’t argue with what I was directly shown through experience, I can only accept it for what it is. My mind passed the test with flying colours, so I can only H.O.P.E. that this year my body is up to the challenge that my spirit has set for the three of us.

I shall also be taking a leaf out of Master Yoda’s book…

I will not try harder. I will simply do it harder. I will be faster. I will get better. Every attempt I AM stronger. I will do whatever it takes until I fail and if/when that happens, I will pick myself up and do it better next time.

The potential to change the world comes from the ability to change yourself.

May peace and LOVE be with you, always.

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