The last 24 hours have been tough. I’ve been suicidally low and unable to do anything. I’ve spent most of the time either in bed or on the sofa. Life has seemed completely and utterly pointless, with no hope of escape.
I managed to put on my headphones and meditate for 1 hour before I got out of bed this morning. Admittedly it was 12:45 before I actually got out of bed. I did three of my 20 minute Headspace sessions on Depression. It was just enough to make me see sense and realise that I needed to get my ass to a meeting, so this evening I have been back to my Monday night meeting.
I saw David in the car park as I arrived. As we exchanged pleasantries I realised that I was in the right place, as I was able to share with him some intimate details about my past. He response was ‘me too, join the club’.
This evening was a reminder in grace, humility, compassion and acceptance.
I didn’t say anything until I spoke to people after the meeting, but it was really good to be back in the room and to hear people talking so openly and honestly about their problems and their solutions.
It was a reminder that life goes on, but that we (as conscious beings) are constantly making choices that affect and effect our lives.
Expectation is the root of all heartache.
Today has proven that I can still walk into a 12 step fellowship and be accepted, supported and love by people that only know me as Dan. This feels like it has taken the pressure off somewhat.
It was a relief to hear other people talking about depression and feeling low, as this was my primary reason for going back this evening. I am still suffering with depression.
Sex addiction can be very closely linked with depression because it is a purely mental illness. Sex addiction itself is based on the self medication of dopamine. If you think about it, sex addiction is a predisposition to sexual thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Depression is a relentless and constant predisposition to thoughts, feelings and behaviours that make us feel unworthy. Therefore if we feel bad about our sexual thoughts, feelings and behaviours we can trigger depressive tendencies because the actually brain/body/mind process is essentially the same.
There were people at the meeting this evening that I really wanted to speak to, but didn’t get the chance to. For this reason I look forward to still being alive next week, so that I may share my love and appreciation for these people in person.
My gratitude list for today is simple. I am grateful for being able to share the same space with so many courageous people this evening. Courage is the ability to face the shame and recrimination of our actions in the presence of another without fear of judgement or humiliation.
At the end of the day we are only ever accountable, judged and held in contempt by one person and that person is OURSELVES. It is ME, MYSELF and I. I AM the ONLY person that ever matters when it comes to the matter of forgiveness. I have the power to forgive others but most importantly of all, I have the power to forgive MYSELF. Once the past has been processed and amends have been made, we are then able to make peace with the present. Only when we can be truly present with our past, are we open to receiving the gift and grace of God, as we understand God.
Today is a gift, that’s why we call it the present 😉