JOURNAL ENTRY: Thursday 17 March 2016

This time last year I was a mentally ill, atheist, alcoholic, sex addict, co-dependant and if that wasn’t bad enough, I was in complete denial about most of it.

I started off with medication, then meditation and finally turned to a Power greater than myself. I got better.

Today I am able to say proudly that I AM in recovery. I can say this because I own me. I belong to me.

I have come to realise over the last few weeks that the reason I have become ill again recently, with depression, is because I had mistaken my co-dependence for compassion.

I AM in recovery. This means that I admit I have character flaws and I AM actively working my program of recovery, in order to once again become the best possible version of myself.

Lots of people are not in recovery because they are still in denial. I accept that ignorance is bliss. I also accept that recovery is not easy. It can be simply, but it is not easy. It is painful, but then pain is weakness leaving the body. Nothing worthwhile is every easy.

Over the last week or so I have been doing a lot of reading. I have also been attending SAA and Co-DA meetings. I am now very much clearer on what co-dependency is and how it sabotages my life. I acknowledge and accept that co-dependency has once again sabotaged my life and that my life has become unmanageable.

However, I have hope because about a year ago I walked into a 12 Step Fellowship and realised that there is a way to recovery. These fellowships still exist and are growing in strength and numbers everyday. I know that I can attend and share at meetings without any fear of judgement or reprisal.

This experience allowed me, today, to share my recent journey of recovery with my fellow alpha students. I was a little apprehensive, but I realise now that this (MY LIFE) is my reality. I have experienced things throughout my life that have been challenging.

Today, alpha was about healing and at the end of the session we split into smaller groups and prayed for healing for each other. I asked for the strength for forgiveness.

For the most part I have forgiven myself for all my wrongdoings. I AM aware of what I have done wrong in the past and where appropriate, I have apologised and asked for forgiveness from those I have previously wronged.

I have asked my Higher Power for forgiveness, because in my heart, God knows that I AM truly sorry for what I have done. I AM also aware of why life presented me with these challenges and why I have been blessed with the awareness to understand my actions and my consequences. My gift allows me to better understand my humanity and thus seek forgiveness in order to become truly free from sin.

I still struggle with forgiving others.

I ask my Higher Power to forgive me, so that I can forgive myself and so that I should know true forgiveness and thus learn and experience the ability to truly forgive others. I ask for this so that I may experience ever lasting peace.

Dear Father,

Thank you for granting me with serenity, courage and wisdom.
Thank you for making me better and for showing me the way, what is possible and what is to come.
Thank you for allowing me to accept my imperfections and to know that I can still be better.

I am truly sorry that I continually fall short of the example that you sent down before me through Jesus Christ.
I humbly ask for your forgiveness and for the strength to remain open and true to myself and to your love.

I ask that you please grant me the power to forgive myself and to allow your grace to allow me to forgive others in this life and in the next, so that we may know peace in this life and in the next.

In Jesus’ name.

Practice makes perfect, but progress takes practice and practice takes patience.

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