JOURNAL ENTRY: Wednesday 13 April 2016

It’s days like today that I feel a fraud for saying that I am still in recovery, because I’ve had such a progressively awesome day.

What I am really learning and thus highly grateful for at the moment is how conscious and aware I am. This attention and presence to the NOW means that I am able to notice and appreciate even the smallest nuances and changes in reality. Having been in an enlightened state previously, I am know that I am by no mean completely in the NOW and in a permanent enlightened state, but I am making progress towards it.

I am aware that when I awoke this morning, I was missing. My brain was in charge and it wanted to keep me in a state of unconsciousness. I am able to witness this semi-unconscious state and I partly indulge the mind, as it’s all a process of watching it and observing how it thinks and operates, so that I can break free from it again at some point of my choosing. It feels like it takes a while for my conscious-self to fully re-enter into my body and then once I am present enough, I step forward and resume responsibility for this ugly bag of mostly water (ST:TNG).

Once I am back in my body it takes me a while to get used to the feeling again. I am aware at the moment that my ability to sense feelings and emotions is taking a while to come back to me each day. Forcing myself to shower and eat something definitely helps ground me and bring my Being firmly back into this physical form.

Once I am back I can then focus on raising my energy levels, so that I am alert, present and ready to act.

I spent the afternoon delivering leaflets for the upcoming local elections. It’s something that I have been procrastinating about for the last few weeks and I was pleasantly surprised at how easy it was. You can image, there are lots of streets to deliver to and I was getting a bit overwhelmed at where to start. If in doubt, start at the beginning. So A or 1!!! There’s a great lesson right there. I always put off today what can be done tomorrow, because I over think things. If I do today what I can do today, then tomorrow I can do better. The problem is my perfectionism always wants to do better before I’ve even begun, so I procrastinate and never do anything and never get better.

Nothing will work unless you do!

This evening I have attended my first week of traditional Japanese Reiki training and it was truly powerful! I was overcome with peace, love, healing energy and compassion during the Reiji. I was literally moved to tears.

I’ve struggled in the past to channel the Reiki energy, because of my enlightenment experience. As described by Eckhart Tolle, the source of all creation is the unmanifested. I entered into the unmanifested as part of my enlightenment, so I have struggled to draw energy from the existential universe, because I am aware that the centre of all creation lies within me. It lies within all of us. We are the universe made manifest and we are manifesting the universe.

Now that I’m been able to get my mind into the right place to allow the spirit to open up and reside once more within this realm of unmanifested, I have been able to continuously draw upon the peace and grace of God to manifest my hearts desires. As my heart is now, mostly, pure, most of what I chose to manifest is kindness.

I now know that this is why I forced myself back into depression. Last time I opened up the unmanifested I did not have the conscious awareness to pay attention to how I did it. This time the mind is much more in harmony with my true Being, so it pays attention when I want it to, rather than it being lost within itself.

In this moment I am much more capable of controlling my energy levels. I am becoming more and more aware of how I raise them, when I raise them, when I need to lower them and how to control the flow, so that my physical being does not become too overwhelmed by it all.

I am also eternally grateful for all the wonderful people that are now in my life. A year ago I was starting from scratch. I didn’t know anyone and I didn’t know myself. As I’ve exited from my depressive state over the last 2 weeks, I’ve been able to draw on the connections that I’ve made over the last year to reinforce my sense of self worth and self-esteem.

I find it very helpful to remind myself of where I have come from. OK, my life situation has never been that bad. I have always had money, a job, a place to live etc. but my life was completely unmanageable because I had little to no real connections with anyone and was in a constant state of mental torture and fear. I had a few really great guys that I worked with that kept me on the straight and narrow most of the time, but when left to my own devices, I was my own worst enemy. Today I am my own best friend and I am enjoying doing things for myself and with myself, by myself 🙂

I am also really looking forward to meeting new people and forming new relationships.

May peace and Love be with you, always. xXx

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