JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 19 April 2016

When I told the universe yesterday that I was ready for a BIGGER challenge, firstly I didn’t expect it to respond so bloody quickly and secondly with such ferocity. I guess the fact that I AM manifesting my own reality, means that I should have know this would happen.

I will admit I was saying such things as ‘I invite pain and suffering’ and ‘I’m ready to transmute suffering into peace’, so I guess today I got what I asked for.

After my decision to share last night, I’ve spent the day in a place of uncertainty. I’ve really, REALLY been tempted to act out and run away from the shame of my own mind and whilst I know the day is not yet over, so far I’ve done what I said I would, which is to simply sit with the discomfort and watch it.

Experience tells me that things will improve and that this may take time. The wise choice is to continue alone this path and not return to a road that I have been down before.

I invited this, so I  have to remember that it’s a choice based on my willingness to witness the creation of the problem, so that I can also watch the emergence of the solution.

I’m doing this because it’s all to easy to go with the flow when everything is going OK. It’s more challenging to remain in that zone when things aren’t going so smoothly. It’s human nature to run away from pain and suffering, but the wisest amongst us have told us that it is the embodiment of pain and suffering that ultimately leads to salvation.

I’ve been to heaven and I mean I have literally been to heaven, for the day, but that was given to me as a taste of what is possible. Now it’s my job to transform the ordinary into the extraordinary and to make the impossible, possible.

I was grateful to get to a CoDA meeting this evening, even though there were only two of us. It was a gentle reminder that all my character flaws emanate from co-dependency. I can see the path in front of me and I understand why I’m being asked to deal with the SAA issues first and foremost, but I must not forget that the answer ultimately lies in co-dependency. The truth LiES within.

What I’ve witnessed over the last week or so is as follows. I have experienced great peace, love, joy and compassion and during these moments I have come to realise that any material form, be it sexual, financial or simply objective materialism, could not change or improve on how I was feeling. I was whole and complete. I was at one with myself.

However, the flip side is thus, when my inner completeness is lost, and replaced with pain, I become physically and emotionally lost. Without any existential ‘things’ to comfort me (aka other-esteem) and in the absence of self-esteem, my inner Being can struggle to remain connected to my physical and emotional Being. This is the lesson that I have invited and this is the lesson that I am currently teaching myself. How to remain present and without attachment, whilst still remaining in conscious contact with my inner Being and the un-manifested Presence of God.

The external world is in a constant state of change. If I choose to hold on to the present it immediately becomes the past. The only thing that is constant is the persistent state of nothingness. Nothing is the absence of anything and in this, only peace resides.

The ability to connect with and remain connected to the un-manifested peace and grace of God, in the presence of pain and suffering is an ability that only a few have ever truly mastered. Existential suffering is easy to ignore, as it appears separate to oneself, but in the realm of spiritual oneness, everything is connected and I AM everything. Transmuting ones own pain and suffering is the skill of the enlightened and once mastered provides the ability to emanate peace into the existential world.

The end of all suffering begins and ends with end of ones own suffering. This is the revelation of God in all Gods glory.

HOPE – Hold On Pain Ends

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