JOURNAL ENTRY: Monday 11 July 2016

If I get to define my Higher Power, then I submit that my Higher Power already thinks I am awesome, but that my Higher Power would also like me to become more awesome. Simple.

If God is consciousness, then I am an expression of that consciousness. I am also conscious of many things, ergo, I am a part of God and God is everything that I am conscious of. Simple.

In order to hear God I must put myself into a position to be able to listen to God speak. God does not talk in the way that I would like God to, that would be too easy. God provides clues and signs to me, but I can only see, hear, touch, taste, smell and feel those clues and signs when I open my mind and become conscious of the message. I pray for the question and I meditate for the answer. Simple.

Case in point, today I was driving home from my Monday night SAA meeting. I was in a built up area in town that is 30mph. I had set my cruse control to exactly 30mph. I was thinking about what it would be like to get drunk this evening. I was contemplating hitting the ‘f*ck it’ button. Just as I had had that thought, a drunk man stepped out into the road, straight in front of me without even looking. I hit the brakes, skidded to a halt and stalled the engine.

I had been aware and conscious that he was going to do it, moments before he actually did it. I had prepared myself for his lack of awareness that I was coming. It was this awareness that avoided an accident.

For me, this is God speaking. I am having a thought, that of a moral dilemma. I am uncertain as to how I should proceed. Do I do what I want to do or do I do what I need to do?

I had just had a Step 2-3 conversation with my sponsor about my Higher Power and it was he who told me that he believes that his Higher Power thinks he is awesome. It was this reminder that put me back a year ago and reminded me how I used to view my Higher Power. In that moment, I felt it.

The clue on the way home was the confirmation.

The drunk chap acknowledged me, apologised and then just kept on walking, seemingly unaware that he had almost been run over. The bit that I find really interesting, especially this evening, is that if that was God, in disguise, he knew, obviously, what was about to happen, which was why he was seemly so unsurprised. Alternatively, was that just a drunk chap in the wrong place at the wrong time? God knows, right 😉

I’ve also really been struggling with love addiction and co-dependency today. I’m caught in the fantasy that my last relationship and my last partner was perfect. This deluded fantasy is making me feel rather depressed, as I know my delusion is a delusion, but I am feeling powerless over it.

When we separated, I couldn’t wait to be anywhere but where I was. The relationship was unbearable. However, I believe that was completely down to me. I hated myself with such a passion, that I was always going to be unlovable, by anyone.

I still struggle with self love, even almost 2 years on and after everything that I have learnt and experienced, but I’m starting to understand how to express these negative emotions in a way that creates peaces and allows me to at least begin to nurture some self-esteem.

I absolutely wish that I could start all over again, and this time be more of the person that I know I can be.

I feel like I have a new need arising. I need to test my ability to love and be loved. It’s a scary prospect, but I think I have enough faith and trust in myself to remain true and honest to myself. Either way, the only way I will know for sure is to test myself.

F*ck it, what have I got to lose?

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