I haven’t posted since the 12th, as I made a poor choice on the 13th and got drunk, which then led to me acting out the following day.
Without trying to minimise my behaviour, I drank 3 pints of beers and 1 bottle of wine on the Wednesday evening. I then acted out twice the following day.
It was just me, no one else was involved. I didn’t hurt myself or anyone else and in fact I was up and out the house on Thursday morning for coffee with friends and I went to the gym and then alpha later that day. I was even OK on Friday, as I went to the gym that day too.
I see now, again, that the problem is not the alcohol or the sex addiction. It’s the depression that really gets to me. That’s my root illness.
I’m not sure if my co-dependency causes my depression or if my depression causes my co-dependency, but the root cause of my suffering is the state of OCD perfectionism that I indulge within my head.
When I start along the obsessive/compulsive thinking, which is ultimately fuelled by a need for things to be better than they are, which is ultimately a state of resistance, not acceptance. When this takes over, my life quickly becomes unmanageable.
I become highly co-dependent, as I believe that someone else more capable than me can solve all my worldly problems. Presently this falls back to my last girlfriend, who even though I know is ultimately incompatible with me, I place her on a pedestal because she held me in such high regard when we first me.
The inability to accept myself as simply ‘good enough’ become obsessional and this ultimately leads me to a dark place where every future event becomes ever more pointless. This state of pointless being soon becomes a depressive state that quickly begins to entertain suicidal thoughts and feelings.
This state of being lasted for about a week.
It is only really yesterday and today that I have started to feel a little more grounded and balanced.
Whilst I may not have been keeping up-to-date with my journal, I have been attending my 12 step fellowships and I have also been organising and doing some social stuff with my friends and recovery buddies, so things have not been quite as bad as they could have been.
I’ve muddled on and so in this regard, this is progress. Previously I would have shut down completely. Gone to the mattresses, is the phrase I believe the Godfather used.
Whilst I wanted to isolate and indeed did feel very isolated and alone, I’ve maintain social contact and it’s this that I believe has pulled me through this time, without needed to hit a complete rock bottom.
I was well prepared to hit the ‘f&*k it’ button, but I realised only a few days in, that destroying myself for the sake of getting better made no sense what-so-ever.
So I went out for a couple of beers with Stu after Wednesdays meeting. I woke up feeling a little worse for wear on Thursday, but ultimately I was OK and then it clicked again.
Just wise up dude!
It’s simple. You chose to play the victim at the end of last year. This subconscious intention has remained since that moment of conscious choice. Now I choose to become the hero that I know I can be.
Today’s lesson is not that I AM, it’s that I CAN.