JOURNAL ENTRY: Friday 12 August 2016

George Lucas said “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.”

I fucking hate feeling like this. I’m full of fear and anxiety, I’m angry and depressed and I fucking hate it! I feel sick.

In other news, today has been a bit dull.

I woke up at 09:05 feelings pretty okeyday and managed to maintain some level of calm composure until about 1pm. Then my head started to loose the plot again and I began to feel that pressure of hypervigilance coming on.

When I feel like this I’ve really got no idea who I am. I’m lost in a world of fear. My neck aches, my head hurts and I can’t think about anything. I just pray to God that this is the medication still.

In all fairness, it’s not that bad. I’m not dying, I’m not in any kind of intense pain, I just feel like life is passing me by, one moment at a time and I’m just watching it and thinking to myself, “isn’t that a shame. Oh well.” I’m stuck on pause and I keep seeing glimpses of the real world, but I have no idea I them come about and/or how to maintain it when it appears.

I know what it is, the answer is simple, I simply do not love myself. I nothing myself and I can’t seem to understand how to get out of this void of nothingness. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life in this place, suppressing the fear and in a persistent state of low level anxiety.

If everyone in the world feels like I feel, why the fuck would anyone choose to have children and bring them into this fucking misery of pain and suffering?

Am I missing something? Have I been clearly missing something my whole life? What’s the fucking point?

I feel a modicum of relief but it doesn’t last. What the fuck is wrong with me? Is this how everyone feels deep down, but we’re all too busy pretending to be happy and content that no one dare take off the mask?

I’ve got a summer BBQ party to attend tomorrow and whilst I’ve been looking forward to it, I’m now shitting it, because I feel like a miserable bastard.

Oh well, I guess tomorrow is another day and I may wake up feeling full of joy. Here’s to H.O.P.E. – Hold On Pain Ends

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