JOURNAL ENTRY: Wednesday 02 November 2016

I did manage to wake up this morning to phone the doctor, but my stupid new phone only had the fax number in it, so by the time I had found the right number I’d given up and decided to go back to sleep.

I finally woke up at 12:00 and got out of bed at about 14:00.

I decided that I would make some phone calls and ask my recovery buddies for advice.

I got answer phones.

At about 17:00 I did manage to have a conversation with PJ, who is pretty much at the same point as me. He’s been on Fluoxetine about a month less than me and he’s still on 20mg, but is also taking Mirtazapine. So actually just writing this down has made me realise that we’re not at the same point at all lol.

Anyway, he’s my depression recovery buddy at the moment and we speak regularly. It was good to listen to him today, as I only had questions and didn’t even try to attempt to have any answers.

I’ve felt pretty good today, as I reached that surrender point, when I just stop trying, hand it over and say to myself, just go with the flow and accept what is. This does seem to be a recurring theme, that I have a bad period, which seems to come from my ‘controlling’ ego/addict and then a period of serenity where I just surrender and admit I’m ill and stop trying to get better. It’s in the moments where I stop trying to get better that I actually feel the most well. This is a massive clue!

I went to my Wednesday night SAA meeting and shared about my drinking last week and also asked for help from anyone who is or has taken anti-depressants before. Not a lot of talking about sex from anyone this evening, to be honest.

The advice that I was given from Scott after the meeting was ‘you’ve only been on 40mg for a month, give it six months before you make a decision as to what to do next’.

Oddly that does make a lot of sense. I’ve been (unknowingly) ill for a very long time and whilst I’ve been in recovery for just over two years, I’m expecting to suddenly get better in a matter of days/weeks/months from my depression.

This is the first time that I’ve been on anti-depressants and I haven’t been drinking most days and acting out every day, so the process feels a lot more intimate and real this time round, which is a good thing. This is my third attempt at taking anti-depressants over the last 5-6 years.

I need to try and remember that this is my recovery process and my learning experience. I keep getting ill because I keep doing the same nonsensical thinking over and over and over. Each time I go down and then come up again, something changes and I’m started to see that my job is to spot the change and learn from the evolving process.

My addict wants to cheat and to be given the answers right off the bat, but there is no answer except the one that I need to find for myself.

Today has been an OK day. I do feel a whole lot better than I did yesterday and the day before and I certainly feel like a different person compared to pre-medication.

I was also told by Scott that the medication will make me feel tired and sleepy because that’s it’s job. It’s designed to slow me down so that I can rest and stop the manic thinking that keeps burning my brain out.

So I need to be patient and listen to what my body is telling me. I need to learn to listen to my feelings and then engage my brain, rather than bypass my feeling and go straight to my brain and my old style of thinking.

Easier said than done, but at least I’ve got a bit more awareness today of a new skill that I need to practice, so that must be progress.

PS: I also went out for a curry after the meeting this evening. I was rather anxious before hand, but felt very relaxed and had an enjoyable evening. Let’s see if I can get up and make it to coffee tomorrow morning…

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