JOURNAL ENTRY: Friday 04 November 2016

When I woke up this morning I felt completely different to how I recall falling asleep last night. Yesterday I was off in fantasy land, imaging how wonderful it would be to be back in a relationship with someone that needed me and who is particularly vulnerable. I was highly triggered yesterday, both co-dependently and sexually. I had a real urge to look at porn at one point and act out. Luckily, saner heads prevailed and I didn’t.

This morning I woke up with a huge resentment and  I really didn’t want to get out of bed and I certainly didn’t want to go and see my ex. My fantasy had clearly worn off and the reality of the past had returned. There was some paranoia, that she may be trying to harm me or trick me, so there was some fear there too. I also felt like I really didn’t have the energy for any more bullshit. We split up years ago and she really isn’t my problem.

However, I work multiple 12 Step programs and I know what it feels like to feel completely helpless and alone in the world, so I decided to keep my word and do her the favour that I had said I would yesterday. I knew this was going to be tough for me, so I decided to make a few phone calls and to let people know what was going on.

As I drove to meet her I realised that this might be my Higher Power at work, asking me to do something. That’s what the program is for, Step 12 says “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” Maybe this is an opportunity? I can practice boundaries and she needs someone who cares.

My job is not to solve her problems or live her life, but to simply be there and offer my experience, strength and hope. If she really wants to sort herself out, then she can attend meetings, but I can’t make her go.

This is a completely different mindset to how I was when we were together. Previously I would have just held onto my resentments and given her abuse for not being good enough. This time, I get it, or at least I know enough not to get too involved.

I listen to her story, which really hasn’t changed since the last time I spoke to her. Her partner is still a dick and she is still trying to fix him. Everything bad that I thought would happen has or is happening and she is almost at rock bottom. It was emotional.

She’s taken the first step to sort things out and has got herself a new job. I’m not really in any position at the moment to give advice, so I just shared the wisdom of the program with her and tried to be reassuring that it really does work, if you work it.

So in summary today was a Higher Power lesson, as I got to see that handing things over really does work, but it also gave me more belief, faith and trust in the program, because I was able to do a Step 12 purely out of my own gratitude and compassion. It’s been an emotionally tiring day, but a positive recovery day.

It was also great to actually use my phone and call people. I was confident that I was safe, but having other people involved, if only to know what was going on, was a great comfort.

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