JOURNAL ENTRY: Wednesday 30 November 2016

It happened again today. Proof positive that there is a Power grater than me that’s looking out for me.

I’ve been in bed for the last 3 days because I burnt out again. More specifically, I had an anxiety attack based on the fact that I was supposed to go to a rugby game this Saturday.

I’ve felt hungover and in a disconnected state for most of today. I woke up feeling physically sick and have had moderate paranoia throughout today.

I was in such a state last night that my mum decided not to visit my sister today and to stay home and keep an eye on me. I was really grateful for this as I was at DEFCON 2 ‘FUCK IT’ mode last night. I was so enraged and full of fear and anger than I couldn’t think straight and was definitely one drink away from packing it all in.

Thankfully I woke it in a slightly calmer space. I met Richard for coffee this afternoon, which was a very welcome detraction and had a meeting this evening that also took my mind off things.

I now know what complex PTSD is. To try and calm myself down and get some perspective, I decided to open up my Step 4 and write some of this stuff down. My thinking being that if I commit my anger and fear and resentments to paper, then I can let them go for now and come back to them with my therapist at some point.

About half an hour later, so at about 22:30, PJ called me out of the blue. I never usually get phone calls after 21:00, but I was so grateful that he rang because I was able to share my reality with him and for him to understand my situation. It was a great comfort.

This is the second time in as many weeks where I have had to make a difficult decision, followed by an act of bravery, to do the right thing to protect and look after myself. On both occasions it is as if my Higher Power has been looking out for me.

I do something to look after me and then my Higher Power puts someone in my path as if to say, ‘don’t worry, I’ve got your back and I’ve also got everyone else’s back too, so don’t worry about them either’.

It’s either a remarkable coincidence or a synchronistic event with deeper and more significant meaning. As I don’t believe in coincidences, it can only be something more meaningful at work.

I spent just over an hour on the phone to PJ and feel much calmer and much more sane after out conversation. We reminded each other that we are all crazy, but some people are more crazy than others.

Thing thing about crazy people; they don’t know that they are crazy, that’s what makes them crazy.

I feel that this is ultimately the dividing line between those people who are in ‘recovery’ and everyone else who is still trying to ‘fake it to make it’. Yes I’m crazy and that’s a scary thing to acknowledge and accept, but compared to others, I’m pretty normal because I can accept reality for what it is. I no longer have to ignore the painful truths or run away from traumatic events. This takes courage and is something that I haven’t had before, but I’m slowly learning how to make the difficult and painful choices and commit to them because they are the right choices.

I’m by no means perfect and I make mistakes all the time, but my goal is to pursue the truth at all cost and to be uncompromising with my honesty. People may not like the truth, because the truth can hurt, but the reward is a more genuine, loving and compassionate connection with people in the long term. Trust is built from an unwavering integrity to the truth. I’m learning that the key is to express ones truth in a way that does not shatter other peoples illusions too quickly. People need time to adjust to new and different interpretations and perceptions of reality and I come across as threatening when I try and force my recovery onto others.

Thankfully we read Tradition 11 last night at CoDA, which I have been mindful of today.

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.

I am reminded by Tradition 11 that I am the change I choose to see and be in the world. I do not need to promote recovery, I simply need to live a life that is true to recovery, so that others may be attracted to what I have to offer and want me to share what I have learned with them. Recovery is about attraction, not promotion.

If that means I need to put some boundaries in place, then that is what I need to do. They are not permanent, but until I have worked through Steps 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9, the focus needs to be on me and my inventory, not others.

Star Wars is also making a lot of sense to me right now too. For example, when Luke asks Yoda how he is to know the difference between the good side and the bad and Yoda replies, you will know, when you are calm, at peace.

When I meditate and find the stillness and the silence, I begin to see the light, the compassionate choices begin to appear and I understand the difference between the light and dark sides of the Force. I see the damage I can cause with my anger, hatred and resentments and the good that I can do if I embrace patience and understanding.

Thanks for listening. May peace and love be with you, always xXx

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