JOURNAL ENTRY: Sunday 04 December 2016

My anger is coming out sideways at the moment and I feel like I’m caught between a rock and hard place.

My sleep pattern is still way out of sync. I struggle to get to sleep at night and then wake up around 6am needing the toilet. I then struggle for a bit to fall back to sleep, but I’m still tired so I don’t get up. Then at around 9am I fall back into a deep sleep and feel as if I could sleep for 4-6 more hours.

I’m getting up around 9am though. It feels really tough and I’m not awake, even after I’ve showered and eaten breakfast.

I did a bit of Facebook earlier and I got really self righteous. Someone attacked someone else who wasn’t there to defend themselves and that was it, I was gone and I’ve been gone and off on one all day.

I took myself off for a walk at around 1pm and just kept walking. I walked for about 2.5 hours and I feel really tired this evening. I’m hopeful that I might sleep a bit better tonight.

I noticed that my anger did start to dissipate about half way through. The rock and the hard place that I feel I’m in at the moment is that I feel very tired, yet I have all this energy when my anger surfaces. I believe this is why I used to go manic, because I would ignore the anger and simply allow the energy to flow. Eventually my angry energy would ware out and i’d be back to rock bottom again.

This time i’m not doing anything with the anger. I’m just sitting with it, which feels very uncomfortable as my natural instinct is to want to act out in some way. Either to dull the senses with alcohol or to distract myself with porn. I know none of these techniques work, but I don’t know how to harness and express the anger in a safe way.

When I got home I decided to write about my anger in a humorous way. It’s really helped. I’ve shared it with a few people that I thought might find it funny or appreciate it, but I withheld from firing both barrels at the chap that I felt had wronged someone earlier on FB.

So what I have I learnt today?

I’ve done some routine things that I didn’t feel like doing and I didn’t die. This is positive learning.

I channelled my energy in a productive way by going for a walk.

I made phone calls whilst out walking.

I wrote about my anger, using humour to express myself. I’m not sure if that’s a healthy thing to do, but my little rant did make me feel better and also gave me a sense of achievement that I just let my fingers do the talking.

I also had a Higher Power moment whilst out walking. I decided to go the long way and shortly after getting about half way I thought to myself, ‘this is too long’. Just after that I heard a dog collar jangling. I turn around and looked back, only to see a sign post for a public footpath that provided me with a welcome short cut. If I hadn’t been listening to my intention and then observing my reality around me, I would have just kept walking the long way round.

I probably need to make amends to the chap I felt ill towards today. I say probably because I know my response was unnecessary, but I also believe:

The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.

I know it’s not my job to police the world, but isn’t doing the right thing sometimes about doing the wrong thing because you’re standing up for what’s right? I was only challenging what I believed to be inappropriate behavior. Confused :-S a little.

One Reply to “JOURNAL ENTRY: Sunday 04 December 2016”

  1. Wonderful share about your difficulties. Anger and resentment are powerful emotions to grapple with. And yes, you should keep writing and humor is actually great medicine

    Liked by 1 person

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