JOURNAL ENTRY: Monday 02 January 2017

Where is there dignity unless there is honesty?
– Cicero

I used to think that life was easy, and it was. I was never really that into ‘stuff’, but I was a dreamer. I would dream that one day… so my focus was never really on the present, always either looking to the future or thinking about the past.

I am just on the cusp of the millennial generation by about 6+ years and I was inadequately prepared for the life choices I was to make during my younger years. My road to hell was paved with good intentions. No matter how hard I tried, nothing seemed to work. Everyday the light of my soul faded just that little bit more from my heart and I slowly, over a matter of years, became consumed by the Dark Side, my ego.

Fear was my master. Fear of rejection. Fear of retaliation. Fear of intimacy. Fear of loneliness. Fear of the unknown. Fear of anger. Fear of insanity. Fear of fear. Fear of the truth. So at some point I simply stopped searching for the truth and became a prisoner of my own lies and my own mind.

Is it not then ironic that it was the truth that set me free from my fear and brought me back to the Light of my conscious-self? Only through complete and total honesty, transparency and surrender am I beginning to find all the things that I was ultimately looking for. Connection; friendship; love; trust; tolerance; forgiveness; joy; compassion; acceptance; humility; patience; integrity; peace; serenity; enlightenment.

I did not find these things ‘out there’, although I spent years looking for them. No, I found them ‘in here’, in me, where they had always been. Ironically they were in the one place that was so obvious to find them that I never bothered looking. Now when I close my eyes, quieten my mind and become one with the stillness, I no longer feel the fear but realise that I am connected to the peace and grace of God.

For me God is not a being. God does not exist in anyway, shape or form that my human mind can comprehend, yet I am God and I am one with God. God is everywhere and God is nowhere. God is you. God is us. God is all things.

I use the word God because it is a catch all, but if you are having an allergic reaction to this word, fear not, I use the word ‘God’ interchangeably with Higher Power; The Force; Spiritual Oneness; The Universe and Consciousness. Personally, I particularly like Consciousness, because ((we all ((share)d)) consciousness), hence God is all of us and God is in all things. By it’s very definition, if I have consciousness of something then it too must have consciousness, because my consciousness gives ‘it’ consciousness or meaning or validation of its own existence.

All things may not have the awareness that we humans have developed, but they must have consciousness (at some level) in order for us to be conscious of them. Quantum mechanics reliably proves that consciousness shapes the very foundation of our reality, as told by the religion of Science. Our focus determines our reality.

I used to focus on the ‘out there’ and wondered why nothing ever fully satisfied me. I had a God shaped hole in my soul. Now I focus on the ‘in here’ and life is slowly becoming more and more wholesome.

As I work my 12 Step program I am learning to identify with my feelings, acknowledge them, build a picture of my resentments, get greater perspective on my anger and recognise that the problem is NEVER ‘out there’. The problem is always within me and my perception. As I learn acceptance, I also learn forgiveness and as I learn to forgive myself I learn to forgive others. This leads to compassion, which leads to an ever increasing understanding of suffering. By embracing and loving my suffering, I am no longer in pain and I am no longer angry. I have found serenity and I know peace.

A fellow 12 Stepper (Russell Brand) shared this on his Facebook wall yesterday and it resonated so much with my new found perception of reality that I thought I would share it here today.

Sit back, open your senses and just let the magic in… because when we stop telling ourselves the lies we have chosen to believe, the silence speaks to us and the truth never lies 🙂

When you are silent it speaks, when you speak, it is silent. The great gate is wide open, and nobody is obstructing it.
– Alan Watts

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