JOURNAL ENTRY: Monday 16 January 2017

Hi, I’m Dan and I’m a sex Addict.

Today has been a U shaped or bathtub shaped day.

I set my alarm for 15 minutes earlier last night, so alarm #1 went of at 07:00 this morning. Alarm #1 is the natural sound of birds singing in the morning, I find it a very calm and peaceful way to return back to a present and conscious state. Then my second alarm when off at 07:15 – this is Radio 2, and as much as I admire Mr Evens’ success, he does provide a certain incentive to get up and out of bed.
I was pretty much awake and conscious by 07:20, got up, made tea, got back into bed, drank said tea, meditated and was showered, dressed and eating by 09:00, which I felt was of great improvement.
I then did a little blogging and social networking before eating some lunch at 12:00.

By 13:00 I was in bed and ready to watch some TV. I decided to watch the Andrew Marr show from yesterday, as I wanted to see the full interview on Jeremy Corbyn. Before it got half way through, I was fast asleep. I managed to wake up and pause it, but then went back to sleep until 17:30. I had arranged to meet some recovery buddies before tonight’s SAA meeting, so I was now on the back foot. Having started the day so well and feeling so full of energy, I now felt a little flat, tired and hungry. With little time to eat, I quickly ate something light and headed off, only to hit traffic. I arrived 20 minutes late 😦

However, this evening has been a great success. There are three pubs within a stones throw from where our SAA meeting takes place and I believe some of us managed to end up in all three. We finally all came together in one pub and were able to have some initial discussions about planning for an SAA recovery day later on this year. It was lovely to meet socially and to feel relaxed and part of a group, before heading into the SAA meeting itself.

Today’s meeting topic was a Tradition reading and it being January, it was Tradition 1:

Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon SAA unity.

I find I’m getting more wisdom from the program, the more I continue to work it.
When I first came into 12 Step recovery, just under two years ago, I was completely overwhelmed by everything. I still had the mentality that I knew best and that I was going to get better quicker than anyone else.
That mindset didn’t work too well and I soon ended up back on my own, without the support of the fellowship and in a darker place than before. The reason it was darker was because I was still suffering from severe suicidal depression, but I also knew that my old coping mechanisms were no longer the answer. I had walked away from the 12 Step fellowships because I thought I knew best, but I really I had no idea. Acting out and drinking weren’t working like they did before and everything just seemed pointless.
It was this time last year that I was probably at my most consistent level of suicidal thoughts throughout my entire life. I spent a lot of time getting to know my ceiling.

I knew what the answer was though and the answer was that I didn’t and don’t have the answer. I needed to have the humility to say I was sorry to my fellow recovery buddies and enter back into the 12 Step programs.
Thankfully, the rooms of full of some of the loveliest people I could ever hope to meet and I was immediately accepted back. It’s taken me a long time to accept myself back into recovery and to stop feeling like a bit of a fraud, but the more I work it, the more humility and gratitude I discover within myself and as I share that with others, I find I am able to accept that I am just the same as everyone else.

We’re all f**ked up and the root cause is always the same. We’re all running away from fear, guilt and shame. We may act out differently, but we all suffer from the same condition, which is a delusional mind based on a preoccupation with denial, which stops us from acknowledging our fear, shame and guilt and keeps us locked in a perpetual state of self loathing, self sabotage and addiction.

When I step outside myself and look to others for experience, strength and hope, I not only get that experience, strength and hope in abundance, but I am also able to see how my experience, strength and hope benefits others too.
This type of unity is a new type of experience for many of us in recovery, but I am finding that the more I look to others for support and to support others, the less alone I feel and the more worthy a person I become.

So yes, personal recovery does indeed depend upon group unity.

What started out as a pretty good looking day, may have taken a small and necessary dip somewhere in the middle, but it’s ended up pretty much how it started, with me present and feeling like I have value, worth and purpose and this is mostly down to my 12 Step program of recovery.

I leave it there. Thanks for listening. It’s good to be here.

Keep coming back, it works if you work it so work it you’re worth it!

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