JOURNAL ENTRY: Wednesday 24 May 2017

Not as manic as yesterday, but still an enjoyable and productive day. I’ve felt a bit spaced out again and my speech has been a little jumbled at times. I’ve felt very present and in the moment for most of the day, yet struggled to pay close attention and focus when required, particularly this evening.

I had a couple of hours of quite intense fear and mild paranoia this evening, which may explain the laps in concentration. Fortunately I was at my Wednesday SAA meeting and was able to share on the topic. I received plenty of kindness, reassurance and support after the meeting. It’s reminded me that I don’t just go to meetings to talk about sex addiction, it’s also to share,  in a safe space, things that would normally trigger me into isolating, which would eventually lead to me acting out.


That said, somehow, even with the negatives this evening, things just feel more real and thus enjoyable. I appear to be developing a stronger sense of self, which is providing both reassurance and a sense of purpose. This in turn is creating a sense of excitement and a feeling of joy for even mundane task. For example; I had to walk into town twice today, the second time I  felt rushed, so I decided to consciously practice walking meditation, I soon found my attitude changing and I able to enjoy the moment again, simply appreciating the sky; the clouds; the sun; the bees; the warmth; the breeze etc.

I guess it’s not unsurprising that fear and paranoia occurs at this time, as simply enjoying Being present is a rather unfamiliar state of Being for me. I suspect that it’s my addict/co-dependent preparing me for the typical/’normal’ self sabotaging behaviour to occur. Only time will tell, but it feels like another positive day of progress in recovery today.

I am grateful for all that I am and all that I have.

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