It’s been an absolute age since I’ve felt like writing a JOURNAL entry. I am going back to basics and will be writing posts as a way of expressing what is going on with me internally; mentally; emotionally and spiritually. I’ve lost the plot of late, and I’ve been co-dependently believing that I need to write blogs for ‘other people’ to read, as apposed to simply writing what I am feeling at the time.
My perfectionism has also got the better of me and I’ve tried to create more and more elaborate banner images for this site, so again, in the back to basics format, I shall simply stick to text for a while.
A lot has happened since my last post back in June. I’ve started attending some new, additional 12 Step fellowships; Underearners Anonymous; Workaholics Anonymous; Debtors Anonymous and Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families.
I’m also currently in the process of gearing myself up to go back to work. It’s coming up for approximately 3 years since my breakdown and I can no longer financial afford to remain off work. I’m hopeful that these additional 12 Step support groups and my recommitment to this JOURNAL and other recovery tools will help me find the courage and determination I need in order to regain some financial stability.
At the present time I believe I’m about £30,000+ in debt, which is all unsecured credit card debt. I’m struggling to identify myself as a compulsive debtor, as I’ve simply used credit cards are a means for survival over the last 3 years. That said, I have a long track record of building up unsecured debts and then paying them off when I finally come into some money. It’s a trait I’ve used over the last 10+ years, particularly since running my own business.
It’s a way of maintaining the appearance of my lifestyle without actually having the funds to back it all up. I don’t mean anything too flash either, I just mean pretending that everything is working OK and than I’m earning enough money to live and stay above water. The real truth was that I was constantly struggling to pay my employees salaries and so I was withholding paying myself unless I really, really had to.
I certainly do consider myself to be a compulsive underearner and I believe I have been my whole working life. The thought of going back to work and actually earning a decent wage somehow scares the life out of me because I deep down, don’t believe I’m worth it.
I currently feel like a rabbit stuck in headlights. I don’t have any confidence to go back to work, yet I don’t really have any valid excuse not to. I’m well medicated with anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and have a good amount of recovery under my belt. I’m also almost at my credit limit and the thought of having to pay off £30,000 worth of debt scares me.
I guess all I can do is work a good program and trust that my Higher Power will have my back when the time comes.