JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 26 August 2017

Today has felt like a really sh!te day. I woke up naturally at 08:30 and then went back to sleep until 12:00.

I’m bored. I’ve been bored most of the day. It’s been an eye watering, teeth pulling kind of boredom.

I feel like a prisoner and I don’t know what to do.

I arranged to go see Logan Lucky with a recovery buddy this evening, which perked me up a bit.

From now on I’m also going to focus more on the future and less on the past. I can’t change the past but I can learn from it. I’ve done quite enough learning for now. What’s done is done, but I can live in the present moment knowing that the future is mine to create.

I’ve also redeveloped a craving for alcohol towards the end of the day and I’m not sure why. It feels more like a pressure release than an actually desire for beer. I’m not feeling too fussed about what the drink would be, just that I have this craving to get drunk. Beer, wine, vodka, I’m not bothered. Thankfully I haven’t taken a drink, but the desire is getting stronger and stronger. I may need to start attending AA meetings again if this doesn’t pass sooner or later.

Oh and my weight isn’t shifting either, even after going to the gym for the last 3 weeks. I’m stuck around 91kg, which is about 11kg heavier than I should be. I’m becoming rather body conscious and that’s getting me down too.

In summary today has been a pretty low and depressing day. I use depressing in its true sense, in that I’ve been having some unpleasant suicidal thoughts over the last few days. It could all be related to looking at ACA and reading their Big Red Book. I honestly hope that this is the fellowship with the answers. I don’t see how there can be any more stones left to turn over. Surely this is about as rock bottom as it gets and it’s now time to start rising again…

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