JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 29 August 2017

I didn’t feel there was a lot to talk about yesterday, so I didn’t bother writing a journal entry. However today is a different story.

Firstly, I’ve just got back from the cinema with Richard and Alex after going to see Terminator 2: Judgement Day in 4k 3D. It was awesome! Quite shocking that it’s actually been 20 years to the day, since T2 predicted Judgement Day would happen on August 29th 1997.

I’m feeling rather happy this evening because I’ve had a rather fulfilling day. It all started when I naturally woke up at 8am and decided to make my tea and do my meditation.
I then made a porridge/protein breakfast shake and then went to the gym and did and hours cardio.

I then met up with PJ for a couple of hours before my therapy session, which was lovely. I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks as he’s been in Wales on holiday. He did invite me, but with all my recovery commitments, it didn’t seem right to leave right now. Anyway, he sounded like he’d had a nice time and enjoyed himself.

Therapy was very interesting today. I explained to Amanda about the incident on Sunday. It would appear that my awareness has been pretty good recently, as I’ve been able to detach with love from stuff.

My main illness, depression and anxiety come from stuffing my feelings because I’m secretly pissed off but feel to afraid / inexperienced to express my feelings in a safe and respectful way. I am learning to do this though, so there is hope.

I’ve also been reading more of the ACA Big Red Book. Today’s chapter was on relationships. Again, hard hitting stuff. What I’m reading really is resonating with me. It looks like my emotional problems which manifest as relationship problems are all to do with my fear of abandonment. I’m still piecing the bits together, but it certainly makes sense.
I need to be needed and when that need is no longer present I feel the fear of abandonment and that is then why I create the drama and becoming manipulative and controlling.
It also appears that there is a simple answer too, in the form of life priorities:

  1. My relationship with my Higher Power comes first – this is how I choose to define my reality and is therefore fundamental to how I perceive and interpret everything else.
  2. My relationship with my program of recovery, which currently appear to be prioritised as follows:
    1. ACA/CoDA
    2. WA/UA
    3. SAA/AA
  3. Everything and everyone else

This seems rather simple, but it also makes a lot of sense to me right now. When I make something or someone else my personal ‘GOD’, I’m handing all my power over to that thing or person.
Instead when I have faith and trust in the universal consciousness and my own piece of that shared consciousness, everything becomes that little bit easier.

I have already made plans and arrangements to get myself to an ACA meeting tomorrow evening. Paul and Phil from Sunday evening will hopefully both be there and PJ has also expressed an interest in going, so I should be in good company tomorrow evening.
There is also a large bottle of sparkling water and a bottle of lemon juice in the fridge, so if I do have another beer craving I can quench it with that.
I don’t want to drink, more to the point I don’t want a hangover and as I can’t do just 1, I need to stop fooling myself and believing that I can have a drink.

Hopefully I can wake naturally again tomorrow and repeat today. I did have a little cheeky snooze this afternoon, but as it’s now gone 23:30 I’m going to do a bit of reading and then lights out.

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