I’ve slept a lot today. I woke up with my alarm at around 7ish and put the cricket on, but I was soon falling asleep again. It wasn’t pleasant sleep either, it was a kinda forced sleep where I didn’t really want to sleep but I didn’t want to be awake either.
I finally got up around 2ish but I had to force myself to get going and I wasn’t looking forward to seeing Amanda. Fortunately Amanda had text me whilst I had been asleep and asked to meet at 4pm instead of 3pm, which was something of a relief as it meant that I could take more time getting ready.
I ended up having a really productive therapy session with Amanda. What became clear during the session was that I have a real desire growing within me, so LET GO of all this shit that I’ve been carrying around with me my whole life. If I was a betting man I would say that this is related to the recent Step work that I’ve been doing. Step 4 and 5 are about inventorying my shite and as I’ve completed those Steps, the next step is Step 6 and 7 which are all about identifying my character defects and then asking God to remove these shortcomings. Makes sense that I should be feeling a little out of sorts with the beginning of the new year. I feel like I should be making some grand New Years resolutions, but deep down I know that these are pointless because real change takes time and I have a program that I’m working that supports deep, meaningful and lasting change. I feel like I’m not part of society, which is making me feel alienated, but I am part of a global recovery community, which is much healthier for me and so for that I must be grateful.
I was really emotional on the way to my CoDA meeting this evening. I felt overwhelming sadness and I really did think that I was going to cry my eyes out, but I stuffed my feelings and returned to a state of feeling numb, which I didn’t enjoy.
I think I’m upset that I’m struggling to LET GO of stuff. I’m tired of carrying it around with me, of feeling fearful and anxious all the time. I don’t feel depressed but I don’t feel great either. Maybe it’s just new years blues. I know that I’ve eaten more sugar that I normally would over Christmas and I’ve also been on the caffeinated coffee a lot more too. Maybe I’m just readjusting to the middle again.
Whatever it is, I didn’t feel like writing this last night, so I’m doing it a day late, but better late than never. I did meditate before I went to sleep and surprisingly, given the amount of sleep I’d had already, I feel asleep within about half an hour.