JOURNAL ENTRY: Thursday 23 May 2019

After yesterday’s mental roller coaster, which I described to Kelly as being “a bit scary, whereby I felt totally grounded, very calm and sane when I woke up, to then feeling increasingly agitated throughout the day, with some mild depression and anxiety, bordering on slight psychosis type thoughts and feelings (panicked and paranoid), ending up with me feeling all together unwell 😨 culminating in me having to have a little sleep in the afternoon in order to recover and then returning to how I felt back at the start of the day.” Today has been mild, consistent and stable, even dare I say, boring, or at least one notch above.

I’m still struggling with the feeling that I’m on the edge of a burnout, but a couple of cups of coffee and I’ve been able to function at about 60% all day, so I’ve got my work done. Although, I’m not comfortable using caffeine regularly to boost my mental capacity, so I’m planning to take it really easy this weekend, not play too much Xbox and just bring my MiND back to a place of gentle rest.

I meditated for the first time in ages last night too and I’ve managed to meditate again this evening. This evenings meditation felt deep, like I was really able to access that calm centre. I got a sinking sensation at some points, as if I was leaving my head and just coming to a quiet place of rest. It was actually a very pleasant experience and I could easily have done more than the twenty minutes I gave myself.

After what Amanda said on Tuesday, about intentionally entering the VOiD of the unmanifested, I’m keen to see if I can get there again. I know that my “authentic” self is made of pure CONSCiOUSNESS and that my physical form, along with EVERYTHiNG else, manifests from the VOiD. What I’m trying to comprehend is the process of entering into the VOiD. Last time I was in a really high vibration state, as it took place as part of my ENLiGHTENMENT, but when Eckhart Tolle talks about entering the VOiD in his book ‘The Power of NOW’, he was in a state of deep depression, so I can only surmise that his vibration state was relatively low.
I’m also aware that the VOiD is just that, it is pure emptiness, or NOTHiNG, so there can be no vibration, only CONSCiOUSNESS, which leads me to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter what physical state you’re in, you can enter the VOiD at any point.
I haven’t focused on an intention to re-enter the VOiD, so this is the first time that I’m CONSCiOUSLY doing so. At this point I’m a bit fuzzy on the difference between leaving this REALiTY behind, as in stepping into the VOiD or simply accepting this REALiTY is an illusion and just BEiNG at the source (aka the VOiD). In theory I AM the VOiD, so my CONSCiOUSNESS is there, I’m always in it, I guess the trick it to separate out CONSCiOUSNESS again from EGO.
I must admit, this feels very exciting and the potential has enormous implication. If anyone reading this knows what I’m talking about and has experience of the VOiD, please do get in touch, as I would love to share experiences and develop common understandings.

It’s been an interesting piece of writing today, as I’ve mainly focused on my first EPiPHANY, that occurred right before Nadia decided to sleep with someone else. This was way back in 1998 and whilst I though I understood what an EPiPHANY was, based on my second experience with Debbie some years later, it transpired that I hadn’t fully processed the experience from 1998. This is what I came up with…

In my experience, the best way to describe an epiphany is that of an immediate and rapid transformation of perspective, from deep denial to total acceptance. It’s like ENLiGHTENMENT in many ways, but ENLiGHTENMENT is an actual phase shift in CONSCiOUSNESS, whereby REALiTY itself changes and i experience a singular (((SHARE)D) CONSCiOUSNESS) that is distinctly separate from that of EGO. An epiphany happens when we suddenly wake up out of denial and begin to interpret our REALiTY as it is, rather than as we wish it to be.


It all seems rather obvious now that I’ve processed it, but it made me realise that I had preconceived ideas of what EPiPHANY meant. This is what I’m really starting to enjoy about the writing process. It challenges me to make sense of concepts that may only ever have existed in my head. Through the process of physically writing them down, they have to make sense once they reach the paper, otherwise I’m just writing gibberish and that kind of implies that what’s inside my head is madness. It’s therefore reassuring that what I’m writing does make sense, even if it takes some time to process it before it fully manifests into coherent words.

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