JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 28 May 2019

I didn’t get any writing done today, as I’ve continued to clean up my online presence. I must have deleted 6 separate WordPress accounts and as many different blog sites. I’ve deleted one old Facebook profile and realised that I’ve locked myself out of another, so that’s as good as gone now too. I’ve got old YouTube channels all over the place, plus different Google accounts that I was using to sync content/passwords etc. using Chrome, most of which have now all been deleted.

The process of removing these unwanted/unneeded accounts has felt a little OCD, but on reflection I’m wondering if this is partly caused by me recognising that I had become rather obsessive about the whole online/social media business. What’s interesting is that I’ve not really done anything with these accounts, I just set them up so that they would be there when I needed them. I’m hoping that by cleansing everything back to basics, I’ll actually get more done.

This is how it appears to work inside my head. First of I get an idea that interests me and I run with it. This all started with my original website @ danielewen.co.uk (now danielewen.me), when I started blogging back at the beginning of 2015. I then started attending 12 Step recovery meetings and really working the program, so I created an anonymous JOURNAL to track my thoughts and progress @ hi-im-dan.rehab, which has now been sanitised for general consumption and is what you see here before you @ danielwen.blog. This then mutated as my circle of recovery extended from sex addiction, to alcohol, to general addiction and OCD and then into co-dependency, so I split up my JOURNAL into different blog sites, which didn’t really work so I ended up merging them all back together. I then started to go nuts and create blog sites, Twitter accounts and Facebook pages like they were going out of fashion. I always hoped that some of them would become collaborative projects, but nothing ever transpired. At some point I guess I started collaborating with myself, because I set up other accounts to give the impression of multiple authorship. The end result being that everything just got way too confusing, because I never really knew which site to post on and if I did, I didn’t know under which pseudonym I was to post as.

I see the process. What begins as something simple, with potential, quickly gets magnified to “future proof” it, so that it becomes something huge and unmanageable. At the time I create all this stuff, it feels like I’ve got a handle on everything, because it’s still fresh in my mind, but eventually I lose track of what is what and it becomes too much effort to relearn everything that I’ve created. This complexity is what stops me from being creative. Rather than just get the words and the images out there, I get lost in the perfectionism of the end result, with the end result that nothing actually gets done.

I’ve separated out my main site from this journal site, because it feels like the content purpose of the two sites is very different. I’m hoping that danielewen.me will be the place where I share the results of my creativity, whereas this site (danielewen.blog) is more about the raw process and capturing what’s going on for me as things unfold. The rule for content is simple, this site is purely for my journal and nothing else, whereas my sister site is for everything else. Essentially I like to think of them as a single site, with two different content streams. Hopefully this is simple enough that I won’t lose sight of what I’m doing.

I have one other WordPress site that I’m going to be concentrating on and that’s shared-consciousness.info, which will be the site dedicated to the book I’m currently writing, on that topic.

So all in all it’s been a mixed day. I’ve got a lot done, but most of what I’ve been doing has been undoing stuff, which actually doesn’t feel very productive, but I’m confident that this is good preparatory work and will help me express myself more clearly moving forward.

The plan for tomorrow is to crack on with my writing, although if I’m honest, I’m not entirely looking forward to it, as it’s currently centred around my younger teenage years, which weren’t too pleasant. It also feels like loads of stuff happened during that period and so I’m a bit daunted at the prospect of having to write it all down. Oh well, Rome wasn’t built in a day, so one word at a time…

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