JOURNAL ENTRY: Friday 31 May 2019

It’s the end of yet another month, which raises some anxiety around my work and financial situation. I’ve technically given myself a year’s sabbatical from the end date of my last SharePoint contract, so I’ve got two more months before that’s up.

What I’m finding, is that the more time I invest in writing my book and crafting my new life, the less connected I am to my old world of work. I feel as if it’s gradually slipping away…

If I’m honest, ever since coming into recovery 5 years ago, I’ve known that I wanted to change career paths, but until very recently I haven’t known what direction I wanted to go in. I became a Sundoor Certified Firewalk Instructor back in October 2015. Since then, I’ve known that I was meant to do something more spiritual with the knowledge and experience that I have gained. The challenge is, how to follow my path and still make enough money to survive in a world that is dependent on it?

Initially, I wanted to bring the firewalking experience to people, but to do it in a very personal and unique way, like I had with my fire master Oona, rather than some of the en masse events that you get. I’m not knocking those events, they work without doubt, as Amanda, my psychotherapist recently attended one and managed to use the energy in the room to enter the VOiD of the unmanifested, not once but twice. Personally, I believe that this was more down to who she is, rather than what was going on at the event, but that’s her story to tell…

So I find myself back in some sort of limbo state, which has been a major theme of my life ever since 2011. I had my second epiphany in July 2010 and this event symbolised the beginning of my spiritual journey. Before then I was purely rooted in the physical with a bit of Jedi fantasy around the periphery. It’s been 8 years since that initial awakening and 4 years since my ENLiGHTENMENT. I’m no longer torn between CONSCiOUSNESS and EGO, but I guess I’m still struggling to fully let go of my old LiFE and trust that CONSCiOUSNESS knows what it’s doing and has a plan for me.

The limbo state that I’m in is between my old and new career. I can visualise myself as a successful author and I’m currently manifesting my first book, so I am walking the path, but there is still this niggling doubt. I doubt my own self worth and the value of the experiences that I have been given. This isn’t centred around confidence, it’s the opposite. I’ve normalised what happened to me, and therefore I feel firmly grounded and confident in my new understanding of REALiTY, that of (((SHARE)D) CONSCiOUSNESS). I find it hard to believe that not everyone “get’s it”. It’s easy for me to forget how lost I was and in desperate need of spiritual guidance, but then I also forget how well I used to hide my despair. Is this what most people are still doing?

Back to the present and today has been the total opposite, energy wise, to yesterday. Yesterday started high and finished low, whereas today it has taken me until lunch time to get going and then I’m ending the day feeling like I want to do more. What’s good is that I’ve recognised the need to down tools and chill out, whereas in the past I would have allowed my obsessive nature to compel me to keep going. It’s this old behaviour that used to cause me so many problems, as I used to experience massive swings between the highs and the lows. Now it’s all about aiming to keep things somewhere near the middle and I’ve got a much better handle on it today than I have had previously.

It’s the weekend tomorrow, and the rugby premiership final, so a good excuse to chill out in front of the TV for a while.

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