JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 1 June 2019

Continuing the theme of my energy levels, everything has been OK today. I got up at about 8am and had a lovely call with one of my recovery buddies and the rest of the day has just unfolded naturally. I’ve ended up going to bed, feeling like I’m still full of energy and wanting to do more, but recognising the need to shut off and get a decent nights sleep.

I haven’t done any writing today, as it’s Saturday and my day off, so NOTHiNG new to report or process on that front.

I watched a cracking game of rugby, in the form of the premiership final and I don’t mind admitting that I had a cheeky £10 bet on Exeter Chiefs to win. It was all looking good for the Chiefs until about 10 minutes from the end and then Saracens took it up another gear and just dominated them for the remainder of the game. Good on Saracens for doing the double, double.

What’s interesting, following on from yesterdays observations about my history of being vacant whilst watching major sporting events, was that I was completely engrossed for the entire match today. I can even testify that Maro Itoje was the most outstanding playing on the field and deserved to win the player of the match award. He was absolutely everywhere. I was really chuffed how attentive I was and as a result I really enjoying watching the whole game.

I also started reading a new novel this evening, ‘Neuromancer’ by William Gibson, which was a bit of a shock to the system. I think it’s more his style of writing, rather than my ability to pay attention, but I have struggled to keep up with the story. There are a lot of unfamiliar words that appear to be foreign or just made up, and whilst they appear to mean something, I’m not sure what that is. I’ve persevered and got about a fifth of the way into it and I’m sort of there. It’s part of a trilogy, so I’ll see how this one pans out before committing to the others. It’s apparently won lots of awards and is a highly regarded piece of writing, although today was the first time that I’d ever heard of it.

I’m hoping that a bit of light reading everyday will be beneficial to both my concentration span and how I write and process my own work. For whatever reason, I haven’t felt like reading anything heavy for the last year or so. I’ve mainly been reading comics and magazines, but before then I was reading heavily. It feels like I’m coming back into balance a bit more. I think my addiction to Xbox has moved me slightly off centre and whilst I’ve thoroughly enjoying the deep immersion into some of the games, I do recognise that it has been a little obsessive and compulsive.

I’m also becoming aware of my increased desire to begin dating. It’s coming from a couple of conversations I’ve had recently with friends, who have described their relationships, and it’s making me think that it would be lovely to have someone to share my more intimate thoughts and feelings with. I get like this from time to time, and sometimes it can be a distraction technique, which is entirely possible at the moment, as I’m slightly concerned about my work/financial situation. Maybe there is some avoidance hidden within my motivation, as I know deep down I am committed to completing my book and the thought of being in a relationship would be distracting right now.

I’m focused on two things at the moment, rebuilding my energy and using that energy to craft a new direction for my life. I guess by that definition, this could include a romantic relationship, but priority wise, that doesn’t feel as important as my writing. If I’m honest, this is a big transition stage for me and a relationship would be distracting.

I’ve never done “casual” relationships before, as my codependent always liked to jump in with two feet, straight into the deep end. So trying to change that behaviour right now would be testing at the very least. Still, this logical processing doesn’t detract from the fact that my heart feels like it wants to connect with someone to share intimate moments with. I guess I’m open to seeing what the universe has in store for me.

All in all, I feel like I’m creating a healthy work/life balance and that I have a number of “outer circle” behaviours that I enjoy and do regularly.

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