JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 4 June 2019

I did it! I bit the bullet and jumped into Apex Legends this evening. I was appalling but it was great fun. Wow, what a rush! This was my first time playing any kind of online multi-player and I can see why these games have become so popular recently. They’re tense, fast past and leave you wanting more. I can also see how this type of game could become very addictive, as there is huge scope for improvement, plus if you’re into OCD, there’s a whole load of collectables and upgrades. What I really liked was being able to spectate once I’d died, as you could see how more seasons players completed the game. I’ve also just discovered Mixer, and whilst I have no real idea what the heck that’s all about, I have been watching a gamer girl stream her Apex Legends Elite game, which also seems like a great idea for picking up gamer tips and tricks. I only played a few games for an hour or so, but I’m looking forward to having another go tomorrow.

I needed that today, as I didn’t get a very good nights sleep and I’ve struggled to get going the whole day. My head’s just not been in a great space, so I haven’t done any writing. I’m not sure if this was keto related, as I cheated a bit yesterday and had some carbs for lunch, or if it was to do with my poor sleep. I also over ate at dinner, so I woke up at about 2am feeling weird, spaced out and bloated. I don’t like that feeling, when you keep waking up from what feels like a really weird half-baked dream and you’re not quite awake, but you’re not quite asleep either. For me, the only remedy is to drink a pint of water to help ground myself and to fully wake up. The downside is, I’m then fully awake, so I umed and arred for an hour as to what to do with myself before finally getting back to sleep. In hindsight it would probably have been better to have read or watched some TV for a while, rather than lie there and procrastinate for an hour. I did think about playing Xbox, but decided that probably wouldn’t help send me to sleep, so I didn’t.

Thankfully I spoke with PJ after lunch and we decided to meet up for a couple of hours. I really needed that too, as I feel like I’ve been going a bit stir crazy at home.

What’s interesting and feels different and new at the moment is that I can sense when I’m moving into a grey area that feels uncomfortable and whilst I don’t react immediately, I do have the patience to sit with it, so that I begin to understand where it’s coming from and what’s going on. I feel like I’ve become a bit tunnel visioned with my writing, and whilst I’m still in a relatively good place with self care, I’ve not had much physical human contact. Part of me has a strong drive at the moment to keep cracking on, but I’m becoming aware that I need an actual physical break in order to remain productive. It’s not enough to step away from the keyboard for 15 minutes, I need a complete change of scenery. Even going for my daily walk isn’t enough, as there is a sense of routine to that now too. What’s becoming apparent is the need for some spontaneous human conversation. The ability to gain insight from listening to another persons story and also sharing what’s going on with me. I hadn’t realised how important that is both to the creative process but also to just remaining sane.

The underlying behavioural pattern of extremes is still present within me. It’s a cycle of behaviour that I keep repeating, but I’m getting better at spotting it and making amendments, as and when required. This time I’ve gone from spending a lot of recreational time with recovery buddies, to then spending little/no time with them and just being focused on my work. Whilst I’ve maintained my individual outer circle behaviours, I’ve stopped socialising pretty much overnight. This is just another reminder to do all things in moderation, so I need to factor in some face time with friends at least once or twice a week in order to remain happy, healthy and productive.

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