JOURNAL ENTRY: Sunday 9 June 2019

Today has been the first day in a while where I haven’t felt the need to chase my mood. I’ve noticed for some time that I’m using coffee to help keep me in a certain head space. It’s probably been three weeks since I last burnt out and I’ve probably been hovering around the upper burn out limit ever since. I find that burn out is a symptom of depression, brought on by the addiction. I still have a fear of letting go and allowing myself to just BE and accept how I am. It’s NOTHiNG like it was, but today I’ve recognised that I’ve been feeling agitated for too long.

I’ve not been abusing coffee, as I’m only drinking two-three cups a day max, but I am dependent on it to get me going in a morning, because my head doesn’t want to play. I don’t like that feeling, because I’m technically altering my mood, rather than listening to what I really need. There is a difference here between a cup of coffee to stimulate me when I’m feeling OK and knowing that I’m struggling mentally and using the coffee to try and change my BEiNG. When I’m close to burn out the answer is to stop or at the very least, slow right down.

It’s hard to explain, but I know that I’m running on empty yet there is part of me that doesn’t want to admit this fact. I still associate this feeling with being ill, rather than a preventative measure, to prevent me from getting ill and burning out. I can feel the internal resistance, like I’m holding something at bay and I just need to keep going, just another cup of coffee and I’ll be alright.

The solution for me is to surrender and step into the state that I’m resisting, rather than continue to fight it. It’s almost as if I’m using the last of my energy to fight off the feeling of depression and when I simply let go, the blockage is removed, my energy begins to return and the state that I enter isn’t what I expected it to be.

In today’s world I find it all too easy to get sucked into the next, next, next mentality. The next breaking news headline, the next Facebook like, the next level on Xbox, the next job, the next fashion trend or TV show. As a society we don’t encourage stillness or peace, it’s all about progression and noise. I find this really tiring. I don’t want to play these games, I just want a simple, peaceful LiFE. I need a simple and peaceful LiFE.

I know where this has originated from and it’s to do with my writing. I have placed a pressure on myself to get some writing done every day. I think I’ve underestimated just how tiring writing can be, especially when I’m writing about traumatic past memories. Then there is the pressure to get the work published, which I’m not hugely worried about right now, but it does require some effect. This JOURNAL is part of that process and so getting it done each morning before I start my day of work has created a need to function early in the morning. This is where the coffee comes in. Rather than allow myself to wake up naturally, I’ve become accustomed to that morning high that I get from the coffee and that helps spur me on to get the previous days JOURNAL written.

Previously, if I didn’t feel like writing in the morning I would wait and have a go at it in the afternoon. Alternatively, if I got a good mornings work done, I’d take it easy in the afternoon. This worked pretty well and I was getting things done, but this daily JOURNAL has created more of a morning routine, which has restricted my flexibility and might now be causing problems for me.

Today I haven’t had any coffee and I went back to bed at about 10am and slept for another 4 hours. I’ve felt more grounded and refreshed this afternoon, like the pressure to perform has dissipated and I’m more in tune with my natural state, rather than trying to maintain a heightened state.

This is all rather minor detail and is NOTHiNG compared to how things used to be, but the sensations and the feelings are all relatively the same. By comparison the mood states feel similar to how they used to, but in REALiTY they are poles apart. Presently, these are small shifts in mood and energy levels, compared to the huge swings that I used to experience. It does make me wonder how I used to do it? The ups and downs were so extreme, it’s kind of hard to image these days.

I’ve learnt that you can’t run from depression or anxiety. Running is the addict trying to avoid something that appears to be unpleasant. The answer is to stop and embrace your BEiNG with compassion and empathy. The old narrative is about not BEiNG good enough. The new narrative is that I AM all that I need.

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