JOURNAL ENTRY: Wednesday 12 June 2019

I’ve been awake since about 04:30 this morning, so I’m feeling tired and ready for my sleeps. I’d rather not be writing this JOURNAL entry, as I feel like I’ve been processing loads of stuff recently and I could do with a break, but here I am.

I awoke feeling energised and alert, so I thought I was going to have a really productive day, but by about 08:30 I started to feel a little ill and unsettled and wanted to go back to sleep. I tried, but couldn’t drift back off, so I got up and got on with my day.

The feeling of tiredness really started to kick in around mid afternoon, when I felt like I’d done enough and it was time to down tools. On reflection I’ve actually achieved a reasonable amount. I’ve gone through all of my writing over the past two days and proof read just about everything. I’ve also done a lot of editing, piecing together most of what I have written to date, and put it into an intelligible form that flows and is comprehensible. It’s by no means perfect, but it’s good enough for where I’m currently at with the work.

I’m feeling rather uncertain and unsure of myself today, which may be a hangover from the conversation I had with my mother yesterday about her experiences with anxiety. It may be because I’m feeling tired, which I then generally tend to relate to feeling low. In REALiTY I feel OK. I think I’m just questioning the validity of my writing, which can bring up old narratives about my self-worth and where I fit into the world. I had a conversation with a recovery buddy, who reminded my that I’m currently doing this writing for me and no one else. Where it takes me is currently a secondary objective. The primary purpose is to get my narrative down on paper and to make sense of the way that I now perceive and interpret REALiTY.

What’s been interesting is that I haven’t acted out with food. Usually when I feel tired, which makes me feel a bit low, I can use food and coffee to try and perk me up. Today I’ve eaten sensibly. I’ve also veered back towards more keto style food, which is also interesting. Carbs and low mood tend to go hand in hand with me, so it’s reassuring that I’m recognising that I’m tired, that I’ve done enough today and that I’ve called it a day when appropriate, rather than try to soldier on. I haven’t felt like coffee or carbs, which generally points to be being in a very grounded place.

I may also be feeling a little off because I ran out of anti-depressant medication on Monday and when I went to get my repeat prescription from the pharmacy, they hadn’t received it, so I’ve only just picked it up today. Whatever the reason, I’m accepting how I feel and not trying to alter anything, so I actually feel pretty okeyday.

I’m looking forward to a good nights sleep though…

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