JOURNAL ENTRY: Monday 17 June 2019

I didn’t write my JOURNAL over the weekend, as not a lot happened. I’ve mainly just chilled. I listened to the cricket most of the day on Saturday and played Mirror’s Edge Catalyse on Xbox for most of Sunday.

Today has been different. I’ve felt low, pointless and tired. What’s interesting is that even though I haven’t felt great, I’ve felt OK with not feeling great. I haven’t tried to fight it, I’ve simply accepted how I’m feeling and acted accordingly.

I’ve also noticed how polarising my perception gets when I’m in a certain mood. For example, because I’ve been feeling low and pointless today, everything seems low and pointless. I feel like I’m not going anywhere and everything I’ve done has been a waste of time. Even good memories don’t seem that great when I’m in this space. Alternatively, when I’m in a good head space, everything seems rosy, including the not so great memories. It’s almost as if everything goes through a perception and interpretation filter and this layer is dependent on how I’m feeling in that moment. This is worrying, because it affects how I view my entire REALiTY, both past, present and future. Having noticed that this is what I tend to do has helped me interject some rational thought into the mix by telling myself that this isn’t really how things are. It hasn’t really helped with the mood today, but it has allowed me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to keep moving.

I got up at 10:30 because I was so tired, even though I fell asleep at 21:30 last night. I got 13 hours sleep but I could easily have had more. I ate breakfast and then tried to get into my writing, but I just couldn’t focus, so I went for my walk.

When I got back I had a conversation with my mum. The cold water tank is making a high pitched ringing sound when it’s filling, like a Tibetan singing bowl, and it’s got her into a really anxious state because she doesn’t know what to do about it. I said I’d pop in and talk to my friend Clara, who works at her dads plumbing shop and ask her for some advice, so I did. I walked into town, got some lunch, had my hair cut, picked up the last of my prescription and then went to see Clara. Her dad recons it’s either to do with too much pressure coming in from the mains, or something to do with the ballcock valve, both of which are easy to fix, so that was good news. By this time it was about 16:30 so I just hung out with Clara at the shop until home time and then she gave me a lift home.

I think my mood has been affected by my underlying codependency today. I’d say I’ve felt depressed, but I’m pretty sure this originates from codependency, because I’m struggling to want to do things to esteem myself. This may be related to what I’m currently writing about in my book, because I have reached the period in my LiFE when I’m with Debbie, which was a massively codependent time for me. I think I’m also struggling to hold the intention that I’m writing this book just for me, which also raises the issue of my hero complex.

The codependency and the hero complex both tie in closely together. It seems to originate from my belief that I’m somehow special, that I’m hear for a reason and that reason is to help “fix” the world. In my more sane moments, I now know that this is unhealthy thinking, because the world doesn’t need fixing and I am also powerless to fix it. The only thing I can fix is me, but in my codependent moments I forget this and feel “less than” because I’m not out saving the world.

I really thought I could save Debbie, but she didn’t need saving, she just needed someone to stand with her, listen and support her. I was too young, naive and gung-ho back then, thinking that I needed to “do” stuff rather than just “be” there. It’s been a very difficult and painful lesson to learn, but I now understand that the best way to help others is to listen, understand and empathise. There is no need to fix, that’s down to the other person, but simply letting them know that they are not alone can be a great comfort. It’s not even about providing feedback, something it’s just about staying silent and letting the other person know that you hear them.

I feel for Clara at the moment, as she’s going through a difficult divorce, but I’m also pleased by my ability to remain detached. I’m not finding the urge to jump in the deep end and try and fix things for her, which is what I did with Debbie. It’s also nice to have a girl who is just a friend. We’ve known each other since college, but have only recently got back in touch. I see a lot of me in her, as she’s from a kindhearted family and she also likes to help people. I think her marriage was very similar to my relationship with Debbie, as the guy she was with sounds troubled too. Maybe CONSCiOUSNESS has brought us together so we can share this part of the healing process together, without getting intertwined in any form of romantic involvement?

Part of me did want to go to a 12 Step meeting this evening, but when I got home I lay down for a minute and fell asleep for 2 hours. I thought this would affect my sleep this evening, but I’ve still felt tired and I’m ready for bed now.

PS: I almost forget, but I’ve been invited to help my friend Lottie host a firewalking session on Friday afternoon, which should be fun 🙂

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