JOURNAL ENTRY: Wednesday 19 June 2019

Yesterday was pretty much a total write-off and I don’t particularly want to write this JOURNAL entry today either. I’m in a real can’t be arsed, pointless kind of mood still. I slept a lot yesterday and I’ve only woken up at 15:30 today, so I’ve had one almighty, mammoth sleep session.

To be honest, I decided to take 10mg of Olanzapine yesterday evening because I know it knocks me out. I would class this as “acting out”, as they are not my currently prescribed medication. They are from an old batch that I used to take. I’m currently taking 5mg of Aripiprazole, every other day. Aripiprazole and Olanzapine are both anti-psychotic medications, but the Aripiprazole is a more modern, cleaner form of the drug. One of the side effects of Olanzapine is that it makes me very sleepy, which is why I changed to Aripiprazole. Anyway, I shouldn’t be taking Olanzapine anymore and I haven’t acted out with it in ages, but yesterday I felt like I just wanted to escape from how I was feeling and sleep it off.

Sadly, not much has changed today and I don’t like the head space that I’m in. I feel almost content with my misery, like I don’t want to do anything. I don’t feel like drinking coffee to perk me up, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to phone a friend, I don’t want to go for a walk, I don’t want to act out, I don’t want to read, I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to play Xbox, I don’t want to write… I just don’t know what to do with myself. I have put some washing on and made a cup of tea and I am writing this, slowly, so I am doing SOMETHiNG. Maybe that’s enough for today.

What I do know is that I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to be anxious. I don’t want to be an addict. I don’t want to be ill.

It’s time to be the change.

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