JOURNAL ENTRY: Friday 21 June 2019

Today I’ve helped facilitate a firewalk. I became a Firewalk Instructor back in October 2015 and met Lottie, the Chief Change Maker @ Mindset Metaphors, randomly a few months later. Today’s event was a little different for me because it was a daytime charity event for about 25 people. All the firewalks I’ve done previously have been small spiritual groups in the evening, when it’s dark. They are truly magical.

If I’m honest, my energy vibration feels low at the moment and has done for a while. This may be medication related, as I’m on both an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic, but I’m stable and perhaps that’s more important than feeling over exuberant.

I didn’t write my JOURNAL on Thursday because I was hoping to wake up this morning and do it. I did a lot of book writing on Thursday and couldn’t face doing any more once I’d downed tools, so decided to put it off until this morning. Thing is, I woke up at about 04:30 this morning, watched a bit of TV and thought it best to get a bit more sleep and then didn’t wake up until about 11:30. By which time it was time to get ready to leave for the firewalk.

When I did wake up this morning I was in something of a pissed off mood. My LiFE feels stagnant and boring and I’m fed up with my fear and anxiety holding me back. This all ties in with the feeling that my energy vibration is really low. I don’t feel like I’m moving forward. I don’t even know what I want to do, I’m just tired of doing NOTHiNG.

I’d been meaning to contact Lottie for a couple of weeks, as my therapist suggested that I do a vision board to help me clarify what I want and where I’m going. It kind of feels like the universe is trying to help me out, because Lottie contacted me out of the blue on Monday, asking if I could tend fire at her charity firewalk event.

This is where my fear and anxiety piss me off because I was enthusiastic and willing on Monday, when Lottie asked me, but when I woke up this morning I was apprehensive and maybe even a little anxious about going. I know that it all emanates from my self confidence. I had the most amazing spiritual experience about 4 years ago and ever since then, I’ve perceived and interpreted REALiTY in a whole new way. My issue is that I don’t believe most other people perceive REALiTY from this perspective and that makes me nervous because so many people appear to be “trapped” in EGO mode.

Without wishing to sound grandiose, egotistical or arrogant, I’ve received the answers I was searching for about the nature and meaning of REALiTY, so my search is over. I’m still processing what my experience meant to me, which is why I feel so compelled to write it down in a book, but on the whole, I get it. I am CONSCiOUSNESS and we are all part of a singular (((SHARE)D) CONSCiOUSNESS. CONSCiOUSNESS is a non localised phenomenon, meaning that it doesn’t belong to me, it is everywhere and I am it. CONSCiOUSNESS is the elusive Higgs particle that quantum physicists are searching for, but will never find because they are searching for it inside the construct of time. CONSCiOUSNESS is timeless. It is the moment and this moment is eternal.

This is the level of my daily REALiTY, so talking about the weather or Love Island doesn’t really interest me. I’m looking for other enlightened BEiNGS to converse with. Don’t get me wrong, I can do mundane, but I find it really draining, so I can’t do it for very long, whereas conversations and engagements around CONSCiOUSNESS uplift me and I can go on for hours.

The reason this impacts my self confidence is because I feel like the crazy person inside the insane asylum, whereas I’m probably more sane than most people who are still “trapped” within their EGO. I find it difficult to function in this world, because humans are generally crazy, yet our craziness is so normalised that you are considered weird if you don’t join in with the craziness. That’s crazy!

I know what the answer is and I know deep down that I don’t need to be on this medication, but I’m afraid to take that leap of faith and own my REALiTY. This is where I hope the process of writing it all down in my book will help, because once it’s there and it makes sense to me, I can share it with others.

I also know that this is the right way round for everything to unfold. Writing this stuff in a low energy state is important, because a low energy state equates to a whole load of self doubt. I believe it’s far healthier for me to doubt and question everything that I’m writing, than to simply take it as gospel. If I was in a manic or high energy state, I wouldn’t be doing the same level of due diligence that I am currently and that feels important to me. I don’t mind if the high comes once the work is done, but for now it’s about perseverance and patience.

This is what I asked the fire for today. To take my fear, anxiety and hubris and return to me patience, confidence and humility.

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