JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 25 June 2019

One of the things that both amazes me and scares me is how much my mood appears to change over the space of a day or two.

I haven’t written a JOURNAL entry since Saturday, not because I haven’t wanted to, but because I’ve felt like I haven’t had anything to say, which isn’t true, because having NOTHiNG to say, can be a talking point in and of itself. I feel like I’m back in the low confidence state, not wanting to put anything out there for fear of rejection or being wrong. Where did my confidence from the weekend go???

On Saturday I couldn’t write enough, but since then I’ve felt like I’ve drawn a blank and don’t know what to say. Even worse, I feel like I don’t even know what I’m doing at the moment… I’m in a rather blah sort of mood. I want to do SOMETHiNG but I don’t know what that is?

Yesterday I was looking at KDP (Kindle Direct Publishing), which gives me some hope that even if I can’t find a publisher for my book, I can always self publish via Amazon.

Today I’ve been looking for local support groups for writers. I’ve found one locally which I’ve joined. They meet every two weeks and ironically their last meeting was on KDP, bugger! It will be good to meet people who are professional writers, because I’m starting to find the whole writing business a bit isolating, as it’s just me, my keyboard and the same four walls.

I’ve also joined another support group for men. That’s the only requirement. It looks interesting and the first meeting is tomorrow evening. Maybe this is what I need at the moment, a bit of human and social contact. I was going to go to an ACA meeting tomorrow evening, but this other support group is once a month, so it could be a good alternative.

I also contacted Companies House yesterday and began the process of getting my limited company struck off the register. Hopefully that will all be done in a couple of months, as I haven’t used it in almost a year now, so it’s just been sat there costing me money for NOTHiNG.

My addict is also having a whale of a time playing Titanfall 2. There is one achievement called, Becomes The Master, which is part of the initial training level, but it’s bloody difficult to get. You have to complete the course in less than 33.65 seconds. The best I’ve done so far is 37.2 seconds and I’ve been playing the game for 27 hours, but that does also include one campaign run through on normal difficulty.

So back to the feelings. I don’t know where my motivation has gone? I’m sure if I just get started again, it will come back, but I just feel kind of empty inside. I didn’t do any writing today because England were playing Australia in the Cricket World Cup, but I can’t keep making excuses, it’s already almost the end of June!

I think the thing that still worries me is burn out. In order to get motivated, you need to actually do stuff. It’s no good just having the intention, I need to put in some form of action, but when I do too much I end up burning out, which then stops me dead in my tracks for a while. For example, my sleep is a bit all over the place at the moment. Yesterday I was up at 04:30 and then I didn’t get to sleep until about 01:30 this morning. Today I woke up at 05:30, but decided to stay in bed until the cricket started. I’ve felt really “on it” today, in terms of buzzing, but I fell asleep this afternoon, after lunch for a couple of hours.

It would be good to find that point of balance, where I can keep my energy levels up and actually do stuff, without worrying about burn out.

I’m also questioning my medication , because whilst I’m really grateful for all the support it has given me over the last few years, I’m also wondering if it’s now holding me back? I’m loathed to come off either the anti-depressant or the anti-psychotic, as they both work so well together in keeping me stable. To be honest, maybe I just need to put myself out there a bit more. I’m hoping that joining these two Meetup groups will be a start and if they go well I can always expand my circle. Plus, I do think I need at least one 12 Step meeting a week, just to keep recovery front and centre in my MiND. I also feel like ACA is the meeting that I really need to attend, but don’t really want to attend, which pretty much tells me EVERYTHiNG really. There is one on Friday, one on Sunday and one on Wednesday, so I don’t really have an excuse not to go. I just keep telling myself that I can’t afford the petrol, but then if they help me get better, I might actually start earning some money. I think I just need to bite the bullet and do it.

It will be interesting to see what tomorrow’s meeting is like.

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