JOURNAL ENTRY: Monday 01 July 2019

I don’t know what to say, so I’m going to lead with that. My LiFE is very simple and I feel like I’m missing something…

I get up, I try and do some writing, I play some Xbox, I sleep. That’s pretty much the staple of my LiFE at the moment and it’s leaving me feeling somewhat wanting. I really don’t want to go back into the IT world of work, but I do need to earn some serious money soon, as I’m running out of money again. In short, I don’t know what I’m doing and it feels appropriate to explore this today.

I don’t seem to have a fire in my belly to do anything at the moment. I haven’t written anything, including this JOURNAL, for a week. I’m not sure if that’s caused by my anxiety or if that lack of productivity causes my anxiety to increase, but I have been feeling anxious recently. I forgot that I also owe about 20k on another credit card. It completely slipped my MiND, as I’ve been focusing on my bank account and my day to day credit card. This seriously threw me, as I have no idea how I’m going to earn that kind of money in the next 6 months or so. I’m feeling unskilled and I’m beginning to undervalue myself as a result.

My brain feels like sludge and I’m struggling to concentrate. Something has changed over the last couple of weeks and writing this down has made me realise what that is.

So firstly I’ve gone back to a carbohydrate diet, which felt good to begin with but honestly, I’m not sure it suits me. I was so stable on the Keto diet. My energy was consistent and my brain was calm and collected.

Secondly, I started taking my Aripiprazol medication everyday, rather than every other day. I did this because I was feeling more anxious that usual, but maybe it has just dulled my brain too much.

So as of today I’m going to halve my Sertraline medication and go back to taking the Aripiprazol every other day. I’m also going to start eating a high fat diet again and avoid the carbs.

The medication has been really helpful, but I now get the feeling that I’ve been on it for long enough. It’s been three years since I started taking anti-depressants again. Two of those were on Fluoxetine and the last year has been on Sertraline. I think I’ve been on anti-psychotic medication for two years, but it may be longer than that.

If I’m going to do this, then I’m going to do this. I’m going to halve my dosage until September, when I’m due to go and see the doctor again. I may make an appointment to go back to the psychiatrist soon too, just for a check in and it’s coming up for 6 weeks since I last saw my psychotherapist.

I’m also going to start attending at least one 12 Step meeting a week. Last week I did an ACA meeting on Friday, so this week I’m going to try the ACA meeting on Sunday and then next week I’ll probably give the Wednesday ACA meeting a go again.

I did the Talking Stick meeting last Wednesday, which was good, but it wasn’t a 12 Step meeting. I’m going to give the Talking Stick meeting another go, but as they’re only once a month, I’m going to incorporate that in addition to my 12 Step schedule.

I’ve also got my Wordsmiths group tomorrow evening, which I am really looking forward to. I’m hoping there will be a lot of value in meeting fellow authors, for NOTHiNG more really than the social side of things. I’m really curious to see how others manage their time.

On a completely different subject, I’m glad that I haven’t shared this blog with any close friends, as today it feels right that this remains a space for me to simply process what’s going on for me. I’m not looking to write Shakespeare here, it’s just an online JOURNAL. I shall reserve my more serious writing for danielewen.me and shared-consciousness.info, my two sister blog sites.

I don’t know what else I can incorporate into my day to try and spice things up a bit? I’m meeting Stu for a coffee tomorrow morning, which will be lovely, as I haven’t seen him for 6 weeks, plus it will be really good to chat about my general apathy and anxiety about doing things, which does include going to his wedding in August.

On a positive note, my new personalised baseball cap arrived today with my logo on it and it looks really good! Plus I beat the “becomes the master” achievement on Titanfall 2 on Saturday, after playing it over and over again for about 30 hours!!! It’s only worth 15 gamer points, but boy did it feel good when I finally got it. I completed the campaign on Master difficulty last night too, so I think I’m about ready for Apex Legends Season 2 tomorrow 🙂

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