JOURNAL ENTRY: Wednesday 03 July 2019

I went to an ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families) 12 Step meeting this evening and it was absolutely rammed! There must have been 22+ people crammed into a small room.

For the first half of the meeting I felt anxious and out of place, like I didn’t belong there, but one share in particular put my MiND at ease, so I decided to share myself. The share that reached me was about being authentic and not worrying about doing a “good” share. As I haven’t been to that particular meeting in over 18 months, I was planning to start at the beginning of my story, but after hearing Danny share, I decided to talk about my conversation with Stuart yesterday. Once I’d opened my mouth and taken part in the meeting I felt much more a part of the group and began to relax. I came away from the meeting feeling much more positive than when I walked in, so it worked. It was a good meeting.

They have all sorts of inspirational affirmations around the room at ACA and the one that really caught my eye said:

Don't just do something. Sit there.

This really resonated with me because I’m struggling to just “sit there” at the moment. England played New Zealand in the Cricket World Cup today, and where previously I would have been able to sit and appreciate the game, today I needed to distract myself. I spent most of the game on my laptop, so I wasn’t present for the game and haven’t really done very much on my laptop either. What I did do was complete my online dating profile, which felt good.

I’m not looking for a romantic or sexual relationship, I’m just interested in meeting like minded people and making friends. I found the process of writing my personal “ad” quiet therapeutic, so I thought I’d share it here:

Hi, I’m Dan and I’ve been single and in recovery since the summer of 2014. I’ve spent the last 5 years doing a huge amount of personal development work.

In July 2015 I had one almighty spiritual awakening. I experienced a singular (((SHARE)D) CONSCiOUSNESS) otherwise known as Nibbana. I passed through The Dark Night of the Soul, entered the VOiD and achieved ENLiGHTENMENT. Or alternatively, none of the above and I was/am mentally ill… I first admitted that I suffer from depression/anxiety in 2011, but my curse is also my greatest gift.

I’m a deep philosophical thinker, who much prefers quiet, intermate conversations with close friends about the makeup and nature of REALiTY and CONSCiOUSNESS, than noisy group outings that involve a lot of EGOiC small talk.

Whilst I remain open minded, I’m not currently looking for a romantic relationship, but it would be delightful to meet likeminded individuals and develop meaningful and lasting friendships.

I’ve been on sabbatical for the last year and I’m about halfway through writing my first book. My previous trade is that of an IT Consultant and I ran my own small consultancy business for a few years.

I became a fire walk instructor shortly after my spiritual awakening and have also attained my Reiki II practitioner’s qualification. I’m spiritual, not religious.

As an introvert I enjoy spending time on my own reading and writing, but also enjoy long walks and coffee with friends. I also enjoy watching rugby and follow Saints.

I appreciate honesty and people who strive to practice compassion and loving kindness. I’m a pacifist and I don’t believe conflict is a necessary part of our existence. IMHO – unconditional acceptance = LOVE

My guilty pleasures include cheesy horror movies, mind bending sci-fi, comics and xbox.

my online dating profile

I like it, even if I do say so myself. I thought 2000 characters was going to be tough, but it feels just the right length.

Writing this has made me realise something. Most of my (book) writing at the moment is all about painful memories and my traumatic past, which isn’t the most pleasurable thing in the world to write about. Writing the above was actually fun, as I’m placing myself in a realistic, yet positive, light. It’s made me realise that I’m not a bad bloke, I do know myself very well and I know what I’m looking for when it comes to forming meaningful friendships.

Maybe this is what’s been wrong these last few weeks? I’ve been writing about my mid 20’s, which was a really unpleasant time and I’ve lost all motivation and ability to continue. It’s like my brain has literally switched off. Writing the dating profile was tough to begin with, but once I began to see the positives coming through, it became an enjoyable experience.

I think this is where the positive reinforcer could be really useful. If I say to myself that I’d do an hour of writing and then give myself permission to do something more fun, that might help motivate me, rather than thinking that I need to sit there all day. If the flow comes then great, if not, at least I will have been processing stuff for that hour, which might make it easier to continue when I come back to it. At the moment I’m just avoiding doing anything, which honestly, makes me feel really shit.

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