JOURNAL ENTRY: Friday 05 July 2019

It’s been an emotional roller coaster of a day. I didn’t sleep very well, so I woke up early and tired. I felt ill and dehydrate, so I drank some water, took two paracetamol and went back to bed for a while. I’ve felt nervous apprehension which has alternated between positive hope and hopeless anxiety because I had a telephone job interview at lunch time. I’ve then felt really tired and ill again after that and to be honest, quite depressed and anxious about my future, so I went back to bed again. I then woke up after a short sleep feeling more positive and have ended up staying awake playing Xbox into the early hours.

I still scare myself as to how much my mood can fluctuate within such short spaces of time, even on the mood stabilising medication. My mood yesterday was positive and upbeat, whereas today has been a bit of everything, but mainly rather low and pointless.

There’s only one thing that I really know for certain today, and that is that I no longer want to work in IT and I’ve known this for the last 4 years. Everything else just feels confusing. I’ve lost all my confidence around my writing, I feel very unworthy and unskilled and I honestly don’t know what I’m doing.

The only saving grace that I have is the verse from the Buzz Luhrmann song, Sunscreen, where he says:

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your Life.
The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Buzz Luhrmann, Everybody’s Free To Wear Sunscreen

I like to think that I’m interesting, as I have a curious nature and try not to take anything as an absolute certainty, but sometimes I do wish I had a bit more of a clue as to what I’m doing and where I’m going.

I think the job interview today has really thrown me. It would be a great opportunity, as I mostly has the skills to do the job and it’s literally just down the road from me, but in my head I’ve become committed to writing and so this feels like a distraction. Going back into IT also feels like a retrograde step, rather than progressive. It’s hard to explain, but I almost feel like I’d rather stack shelves part time and continue writing than go back to full time IT work.

All in all I hope the interview went OK. The recruitment agent has been off work today, so the earliest I’ll get feedback is on Monday, which means spending the weekend in a bit of a limbo state.

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