JOURNAL ENTRY: Wednesday 10 July 2019

Holy hell in a handbasket. I’ve been in a terribly low mood for the last 24-96 hours, but I’ve woken up this morning feeling back to “normal”. I finally managed to get to sleep around 4am, amidst suicidal, hopeless and pointless thoughts and I’ve woken up 8 hours later and they’re gone. So, what the fuck was that all about?

I’m going to put the trigger down to the job interview I had on Friday. It really knocked my confidence and in turn my expectation of what I’m capable of doing. I know that I don’t want to go back into IT, and I haven’t done anything to keep my skill relevant, but I keep telling myself that it will be OK. That I’ll just eek out my skills to earn a bit of money, but that’s looking more and more unlikely. The technology and the industry have both moved on. Now I need to move on and commit to something new.

Regardless of what caused it, it happened and that’s what I find really scary. That I can feel like a completely different person within the space of 8 hours. I was literally contemplating all the different ways to end my LiFE yesterday, along with feeling a huge amount of frustration, sadness and anger. I really was ready to press the FUCK IT button, but I didn’t want to use any of my old coping mechanisms, so I ended up feeling trapped and helpless. This left me feeling like my only option was to self harm.

I guess in some respects, this is a good thing. Firstly because I didn’t act out in any way, not even with food or caffeine and secondly, that I just sat with it and didn’t self harm. I didn’t even do anything to self sabotage, which is usually what I do when I’m not in a good space. For the most part, I just sat with it. I really allowed myself to feel the frustration and the anger. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that much unprovoked anger before.

I like to think of myself as a calm, kind and compassionate person, but it would appear that I’m still carrying around a whole load of repressed and supressed anger, which I don’t usually allow myself to feel. It’s this inwardly facing anger that I believe is a major contributing factor to causing my depression.

I can’t help feeling that although this has been a really unpleasant experience, it also has very positive connotations, because I’ve allowed myself to feel much more of what was going on inside.

Without sounding melodramatic, this is the worst I’ve felt in a long, long time. I haven’t felt suicidal, and by suicidal I mean, where I’m actually contemplating it, in a couple of years.

This does raise the issue of medication. Did I feel this stuff because I am taking slightly less medication than I have been? Does medication help? Do I need to be taking both an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic? Is the medication actually holding me back?

The answer is I don’t know. When I think back to how I was pre-medication, my perception was very different. I didn’t think medication was necessary, but I’m now aware that I’ve become somewhat dependent on them, even if it’s just in a placebo. The routine of taking a couple of pills every day sets a mindset that today will be OK, because I’ve got my meds. When I start reducing the medication, I’m aware that this placebo notion begins to disappear.

I honestly believe that I get more benefit from the anti-psychotic than I do from the anti-depressant, but I haven’t tested that theory. What I do know is that the benefits of the anti-psychotic manifest much quicker than the anti-depressants. I can generally feel the benefits of the anti-psychotic within a 12 hour window, whereas the anti-depressant takes at least a week to feel anything and several weeks (up to 2 months) to begin to feel the full benefits.

What I do know is that the medication isn’t a cure, they just help supress the thoughts and feelings, which includes both the negative and the positive. It’s episodes like I’ve had over the past 96 hours that help the healing process, because I’m able to experience the strong emotions and then process them. It’s the processing that’s important.

What’s really coming to the surface today though, is that NOTHiNG has changed. My LiFE still feels pointless, I’ve got very little direction, I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m headed, but I have a sense of faith and hope. I have a sense that something is going to happen, when the time is right and things will fall into place. It’s a difficult one to comprehend and to explain, because this mindset yesterday was causing me a huge amount of pain and suffering, yet today, I know that if I just keep placing one foot in front of the other, all will be revealed and everything will turn out OK.

Is this the flip side of the illness? Or is this the REALiTY of CONSCiOUSNESS? Is this how my curse/gift works?

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