JOURNAL ENTRY: Sunday 28 July 2019

Today’s medication: 25mg Sertraline / 5mg Aripiprazole

I’ve not felt good at all today, so I popped another Aripiprazole (Abilify) tablet mid afternoon. I didn’t sleep well last night, in fact I didn’t sleep at all until it was time to get up, then I eventually fell asleep. There was a slight insomnia sensation, caused by the Aripiprazole (Abilify) withdrawal symptoms, but I generally didn’t feel tired. By about 03:30 I gave up trying to sleep and just watched TV. I then finally fell asleep around 07:00 and didn’t wake up until 12:00, at which point I was feeling rather sad and lonely.

I’ve been in real contact with fear, sadness and loneliness today. My only explanation can be the I saw Amanda, my psychotherapist, on Friday and whilst she helped me see what I needed to see, it wasn’t what I wanted to see. It’s one of the reasons I continue with my psychotherapy, because it’s a REALiTY check. I don’t feel like anything has changed since Friday, except my perception of the future. As a recovering co-dependent, I still have a tendency to (unknowingly) pull people into my story.

This is the message that I have received this week, that it’s MY story. CONSCiOUSNESSS may be singular, shared and universal, but in this human form, I’m seeing REALiTY from my own unique perspective. That’s part of the human experience. I have a tendency to forget this and get caught up in other people’s lives or inadvertently make them part of my own journey, without even consulting them. I’m nowhere near as bad as I used to be, but the fact that I can still get caught up in delusional (fantasy) thinking is scary.

So I’m back to it being all about me and that scares me. Today I haven’t wanted to do anything. I’ve felt worthless, unmotivated and alone. I’ve been in an anxious state because I’ve been worrying about the future. What am I going to do with the rest of my LiFE? How am I going to make money? Will I ever feel like I’m living rather than just surviving? Today’s been one of those unpleasant days where LiFE just doesn’t feel like it’s worth living.

Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about…

In 2010 I met a lovely lady called Antonia and we immediately hit it off. We started dating and three months later she was working for me. BIG mistake. Who know’s what might have happened if we didn’t end up working together, but as a result of this, we separated shortly afterwards. I didn’t get it at the time, but this was a major boundary incursion, mixing my personal love LiFE with my work LiFE. The net result was that I lost someone I cared about, which then spilt over into my work LiFE and EVERYTHiNG felt like it was falling apart. I’m paraphrasing. The story is actually much more complicated than this, but my point is valid. I took a part of my LiFE that was providing me with support and tried to expand it into other areas of my LiFE.

This behaviour always seems to manifest when I’m doing OK and my delusions of grandeur get the better of me. I forget that I’m doing OK because of what I’m doing. Rather than bring something new into the mix, I try and change what’s already working, with the end result being that I break it, causing myself a setback. I get caught up in the fantasy that things could be better, rather than remaining grounded in the knowledge that things are OK as they are.

Sometimes I become impatient and I want radical change. I now know from experience that meaningful and lasting change comes from repeatedly taking lots of small steps. Sure there are big bang moments, but the majority of the work is done through small iterations and repetition.

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